Category: - Parent's Peace

Birthday Cake

10/9/2012

I love this picture of my son and husband trying to light the candles in the middle of my cake without getting burned.

I hope I never forget moments like these. He was giggling. He sat on my lap with his arms around my neck. They sang 'Happy Birthday'. He kissed my cheek after every line in the song.

Nothing in the world is sweeter!

There is no end to my love

9/19/2012

Kids don't test the boundaries as much as they test the ends of our love.

Children need to know what will make us stop loving them; it is essential to their survival! They don't know we love them unless we tell them. Even when we say we love them, our actions don't always match what we say. When children feel secure that they will always be loved, they have more peace and will be more calm.

I am only human, just like everybody else. So, even as a parent trying to be "perfect", there is an end to my patience. There is an end to my tolerance. There is an end to my ability to help. There is an end to my willingness to do for my son what he can do for himself. There is an end to what I will buy for my son. There is an end to the financial support we will give him. There is an end to my happiness and satisfaction about his behavior. That is the nature of life; there is an end to everything.

But there is no end to my love.

Let me do everything I can, to convey this message:

My son, I will love you until the end of time. I love you for eternity. Nothing you do will change my love for you. I may be sad and disappointed by your behavior and choices, but I will always love you. Always.

You don't have to win my love through "good" behavior. I already love you. I love you for who you are today, right now.

My love for you is not based upon fulfillment of my hopes and dreams for you. I love you now, even with your imperfections, just as I hope you will love me with my imperfections.

You don't have to earn my love. My love is there no matter what you do.

I love you for who you are, always and forever.

Love,
Mom

Now give yourself the same kind of unconditional love.

How to avoid becoming a boring mommy drudge

8/24/2012

Browsing Pinterest, I clicked on a blog post called '10 Habits for a well-run home' from thestressedmom.com. It had nice tips such as: do the dishes before you go to bed, and do a load of laundry every day.

I read all 142 comments from various moms who are in various stages of following the housecleaning advice. Some moms angrily accused the host of plagiarism from someone named Fly Lady, while others said the tips are universal and are not plagiarized.

The comment I can't stop thinking about is from Michelle: insightful and hilarious.

Michelle's comment about the 10 habits: "This list is hilarious. This really should be titled “10 Habits to Become A Boring Mommy Drudge.”

My best tips for being a “great wife and mom”:

- Get a housekeeper. There is a book out there called “A Housekeeper is Cheaper Than a Divorce.” It’s the truth. A housekeeper is cheaper than a lot of things, including constant teeth-grinding about the state of the toilets and constant fights with everyone about how much cleaning you have to do. Eat out a few less times a month; cut down the grocery bill by ditching expensive packaged snacks and convenience foods; stop buying craft supplies you don’t ever have time to use; and cut out recreational shopping. A housekeeper will enrich your life far more than ALL of those things by giving you the gift of TIME.

- Stop cleaning up after your husband. You’re not HIS maid, either. He’s a grown adult. If he was living on his own, he would have to take out his own trash, do his own laundry, pick up his own dry cleaning, buy his own groceries, etc. He can do all that, and more, for your household. Too many women out there become their husband’s mother, and then wonder why the passion has gone out of their marriage, and why their husbands look at other women. News flash: he sees you as a house-slave who mommies him, not a passionate partner. And, you’re too tired from picking up his crap to feel romantic. Ditching the dutiful-wife routine will bring the spark back.

- Don’t go to bed early if your husband stays up late and then sleeps later than you do. That’s a good way to ensure you won’t have time to connect with each other. Also, what do you think he’s doing while you’re going to bed early so you can wake up early and be the perfect mommy? He’s not working on his honey-do list, I can tell you. Put the kids to bed, pour some wine, ask him about his day.

- Ditch the daily laundry, bathroom cleaning, and meal-planning. Call a girlfriend. Get a pedicure and read a magazine while you’re there. Read a book. Read the news. Play with your kids. Go to the library. Go talk to a neighbor. Take a walk. Do something so that you have something interesting to say to your husband when he gets home other than “the sink in the bathroom is clogged again.” Do something so that your kids see you as something other than a housemaid who cares more about the kitchen counters than world affairs, politics, science, or her own health and welfare.

- The biggest one: stop being such a [dang] martyr to the house. Your house does not love you back. It will not nurse you when you are sick. It cannot cuddle you when you feel lonely, or have sex with you when you feel randy. You are not living in a constant reality TV show where cameras are following you around. Your kids don’t give a crap if the house is perfect, the laundry and dishes are always done, etc., and neither does your husband. They care about YOU. As long as you are not living in a house worthy of HOARDERS, who cares if the bathrooms are not spotless every single day???

Let go. Tune in, turn on, and drop out of drudgery. Live a little. You’ll be a happier and more interesting person for it."

Today I am trying to live a little.

Tonight is our date night and I don't want to be a worn-out housecleaning drudge. :-)

Life

11/16/2011

Life is not easy, but it helps to share it with someone.

I like to study relationship theories. My favorite is the Triangular Theory of Love which was developed by Robert Sternberg. It postulates that there are three factors in a marital type of relationship. It helps to decipher the causes of marital fighting and where the relationship can improve. Children feel more secure when family bonds are strong.

The Triangular Theory of Love Diagram:
Intimacy in this case means friendship, closeness, sharing emotions and intimate details
Passion means sexual attraction and romance
Commitment means the decision to stay in the relationship

INTIMACY in this case means friendship PASSION means sexual attraction, COMMITMENT means the decision to stay together

Each relationship can be evaluated by measuring the strength of any of these three factors. Many relationships are weaker in one or two of the factors at any given time. One, two or even all three of the factors can be completely absent in a relationship! In which of the three areas is your relationship the strongest? The weakest?

This graph shows different combinations of intimacy, passion and commitment.

Friendship
I think that the greatest of the three factors is friendship. It is being loyal and supportive. It is being helpful. It is truly caring about and listening to what the other person is going through. It is feeling safe when sharing true thoughts and feelings with each other; ie: intimacy. Good friends try really hard not to hurt each other. There is no room for criticizing and bitterness in a great friendship. One person can be a great friend even if the other is not. My husband has taught me how to be a better friend. :-)

Commitment
The next important factor is commitment. When times are rough, it helps to be completely committed to sticking together. There was a study where couples who claimed to be unhappy were surveyed five years later. Like 90% of them who stayed together now claimed to be happy. Weathering storms together can make a couple stronger.

Passion
With a deep appreciation of the friendship and strong commitment to each other, the third factor usually falls into place naturally.

I once heard a quote from an elderly woman celebrity who had been married a few times. She said the worst thing is to reach the end of your life and realize you have no one to say, "Remember when..." with.

I feel so lucky to have so many memories with my best friend husband!

Love,
Alison

Value time spent together

6/23/2011

I heard this story in church on Father's Day:
     A prominent business man wrote in his journal, "Took my son fishing today. What a waste of time."
     The son wrote in his journal, "I went fishing with my Dad today! It was the best day of my life!"

I wanted to cry for that poor boy in the story!!

This is what life is all about:

I was touched that our son was so excited to give his Dad the cards he made. I love that they are hanging in prominent places.

May we have enough special times together that our kids feel valued.

Love,
Alison

Small moments of attachmnet

6/8/2011

"good relationships aren't about clear communication--they're about small moments of attachment and intimacy" Gotttman

I love that quote!

It's in the small everyday moments of shared feelings that we bond and create good times. It is not spectacular. But it is comforting to support each other.

Love,
Alison

The Finer Points of Relating

6/1/2011

Learning the delicate dance of making relationships work

Notes from As I See It: The Finer Points of Relating
Published: May 23, 2011 in The Four Hundred by Victor Rozek

"How you do anything is how you do everything." This is one of those intriguing truisms that grew out of the personal growth movement. Although by no means absolute, there is enough verity in the observation to make it useful for identifying patterns of behavior. For example, it could explain the irritable workplace demeanor of a parent with a teenager at home.

Dr. John Gottman

To understand why, you have to reference the work of John Gottman, a psychologist who has spent the better part of his career studying the nuances of relationships. He analyzes married couples the way an entomologist would consider the behavior of beetles--through a combination of laboratory and field observation. Gottman found that one of the most vulnerable times in a marriage is when teenagers reach the age of 14. That's when couples reported having the least satisfaction with their relationship. And if things aren't going well at home, chances are some spillover will occur in the workplace, because how you treat your colleagues is reflective of how your treat your partner. In other words, how you do anything is how you do everything.

In spite of corporate guidelines, people who are sullen and angry at home are likely to be sullen and angry at work. People remote by nature will tend to isolate, while engaging people will bring their exuberance to work with them. Most companies dump all this effusive diversity into a blender we call the office, let it churn for eight to 10 hours a day, and hope something palatable emerges. And if that fails, it's off to Human Resources for a shaming lecture on inappropriate behavior.

Relationships can't be measured, weighed, or put in a box.

Making relationships work is made even more challenging by the fact that there is really no such thing as a "relationship." It can't be measured, or weighed, or put in a box. What we call "relationships" are simply two people relating.

But how they relate is an observable phenomenon which is why, when the Harvard Business Review wanted hard data on what makes relationships work, it consulted Gottman, the man who has observed more people relating than perhaps any human on earth.

The Love Lab

Twenty-five years ago, Gottman joined the University of Washington Department of Psychology and started the Family Research Laboratory, affectionately known as "The Love Lab." Here he would screen, interview, and observe the interactions of thousands of couples. Over the years, he added biofeedback systems to further nuance his findings. Clients were wired with equipment measuring such variables as heart rate, jitteriness, and skin conductivity. They were also videotaped and Gottman used facial expression coding to interpret unconscious microexpressions. In conflict and in harmony, at home and in the lab, Gottman observed and tabulated, and now is able to predict with over 90 percent certainty if a relationship is likely to succeed or fail. Being the dutiful scientist, Gottman refused to speculate on workplace relationships (not his field of study), but much can be extrapolated from his research. Gottman says, The simplest way to make relationships work is to say "yes" as often as you can without sacrificing an important part of yourself in the process. "Yes, that's a good idea. Yes, I can help you. Yes, I have time to meet with you this afternoon."

Agreement vs Compliance
Gottman argues that agreement (saying yes) is not the same as compliance (becoming who someone else wants you to be). In personal relationships, excessive compliance is a soul-killer. [IE: Excessively becoming who someone else wants you to be is a soul-killer.]

Allow loved ones to be who they are and celebrate uniqueness

For long-term relationships, Gottman says the key is to "look for the positive in each other."

At work, as at home, praise and acknowledgment offers the reassurance that the person has value and that their contribution matters.

Over and over, Gottman reports finding that "respect and affection" are key success factors. Stopping whatever you're doing before engaging in conversation; listening without interruption; making eye contact; refusing to listen to gossip; giving and sharing credit, are all small ways to show respect in the workplace. Affection, however, is a loaded word in the office, but kindness can be substituted without fear of corporate reprisal: Can I get you a cup of coffee? I'm sorry to hear about your mother's illness. Is there anything I can do to help you prepare for the meeting? In this context, "affection" means caring about the other person beyond their title or function.

Good relationships are about small moments of attachment and connection

One of Gottman's most surprising findings is that "good relationships aren't about clear communication--they're about small moments of attachment and intimacy." Communication, so valued in the workplace, apparently builds understanding but not necessarily connection. The willingness to self disclose (which is the essence of intimacy) creates a stronger bond than the clearest communication about middleware options for high performance computing.

The Four Horsemen

Gottman has four predictors of relationship failure which he refers to as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (just in case you are tempted to doubt their seriousness). They are, he claims, "the best predictors of breakup or continued misery," and include "criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt." The most destructive, he says, is contempt.
The End.

Let's not be critical, defensive, stonewall or have contempt for anyone, Ok?

Love,
Alison

Techniques don't work

5/23/2011

Adapted from Hold On to Your Kids by Gordon Neufeld page 84:

     "The power to parent does not arise from techniques, no matter how well meant, but from the attachment relationship."

     In other words, effective parenting comes from the strength of the loving bonds between a parent and child and a willingness to cooperate together.

     "The secret of a parent's power is in the dependence of the child. Children are born completely dependent, unable to make their own way in this world.  [They] are utterly reliant on others for being taken care of, for guidance and direction, for support and approval, for a sense of home and belonging.

     Children need guidance and direction. Children crave emotional support, approval, and a sense of home and belonging." Actually we all crave that don't we? If we do not supply the emotional support and sense of approval children crave, they will not look to us for guidance and direction. They will look for directions from wherever they feel supported and approved of.

Fuel for the fire of family bonds: emotional support, approval, a sense of home and belonging.

The more I focus on connecting with my son through emotion coaching, and gentle persuasion, the more he is willing to follow the household program. That means fewer power struggles! Yay!

Happiness depends on the strength of family connections!

Love,
Alison

How to form a bond

5/21/2011

There are six ways to form a close bond with anyone. From the book, Hold Onto Your Kids, Gordon Neufeld's Six stages of attachment:

Proximity- Spend time together focused on each other
Sameness- If you only have one thing in common that you enjoy, share in it together and make it special. Celebrate sameness.
Belonging/Loyalty- Always stick up for each other
Significance- Show each other how important you are to each other
Love- Express your love often
Being Known- Get to know and respect their likes and dislikes

Each of these offers a variety of ways to fortify attachment and form close bonds.

Heading up the mountain on a 4-wheeler to camp overnight. "You the best Dad in the whole wide world!"

When I have focused on the six stages of attachment, I feel closer to my friends and family.

Thanks for stopping by!

Love,
Alison