My son has fewer emotional outbursts than he used to have. And when he does have outbursts, they are mild in comparison to what they used to be. 

I don't see his emotional outbursts as an attack on me and my authority as a mom anymore.  Now I truly see his emotions as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching.  Emotion Coaching step #2. 

His emotions are an opportunity for intimacy because it is my chance to be there for him when he needs me most.  I can be his pillar of strength when he does not have the strength to hold it together.  When his emotions are raw, he is primed to hang on me and turn to me.  When I start giving punishments, he lashes out at me.  When I show tenderness to him even when he is out of control, the situation quickly de-escalates and he becomes grateful that I do not return his mood back on him with anger and punishments.  He is grateful when I listen without judgement to his complaints and concerns.  When he is calm, we can discuss what went wrong and how we both can do better in the future. 

His emotions are an opportunity for teaching because I can show him that it is ok to have feelings; everyone has hard times.  It is not ok to hurt others and when we do, like we all do sometimes, we can say sorry and try to fix it.   He rarely tries to hurt me anymore.  He loves to hear stories of what happened to me when I was a girl and especially about mistakes I made.    

The most important thing I can teach him by being patient and tolerant is that he is a good kid.  He is worthy of my efforts to support him and love him as he is right now, today.  He feels secure as I have consciously tried to never withhold my love from him.  I actively try to show him and teach him that I will always love him no matter what he does.  I may not be happy with his actions, and things will not run as smoothly if he chooses to go his own way, but I will always love him.  The immediate byproduct of my efforts to never withhold love is that he is trying even harder to please me and stay in our happy place.  Our relationship is so much better!! 

I wish you the best in your relationships!  And I  wish you a happy holiday weekend!!!!   Happy  Independence Day!!!

Love,
Alison

I read Nuture Shock by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman.  The chapter on lying and the chapter on teenage rebellion had similar conclusions about the main motivation for kid's deceptive behavior.  I want to explore those fascinating chapters in depth later.   For now, I will briefly explain the similar conclusions.
In many different scientific studies, the data shows that virtually all kids lie!  That is the first thing to understand:  all kids lie, even the very young and even the straight-A obedient eighteen year olds.  The more intelligent they are, the better they are at lying and avoiding the truth without outright lying.  The more kids are punished for lying, the better they get at lying and deceiving.  We can explore how to deal with lying in another segment.

The compelling research further shows that the main reason kids lie is this:  kids want to please their parents!  The teenager's most common reason for hiding their behavior was, "I'm trying to protect the relationship with my parents.  I don't want them to be disappointed in me."    I repeat the most common teenage reason was,  "I don't want them to be diappointed in me."      I will let that sink in.  To me, it is profound.  It is Parenting Tool # 1.