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There is no end to my love

9/19/2012

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Kids don't test the boundaries as much as they test the ends of our love. 

Children need to know what will make us stop loving them; it is essential to their survival!  They don't know we love them unless we tell them.  Even when we say we love them, our actions don't always match what we say.  When children feel secure that they will always be loved, they have more peace and will be more calm.

I am only human, just like everybody else.  So, even as a parent trying to be "perfect", there is an end to my patience.  There is an end to my tolerance.  There is an end to my ability to help.  There is an end to my willingness to do for my son what he can do for himself.  There is an end to what I will buy for my son.  There is an end to the financial support we will give him.  There is an end to my happiness and satisfaction about his behavior.  That is the nature of life; there is an end to everything.

But there is no end to my love. 

Let me do everything I can, to convey this message:

My son, I will love you until the end of time.  I love you for eternity.  Nothing you do will change my love for you.  I may be sad and disappointed by your behavior and choices, but I will always love you.  Always.

You don't have to win my love through "good" behavior.  I already love you.  I love you for who you are today, right now. 

My love for you is not based upon fulfillment of my hopes and dreams for you.  I love you now, even with your imperfections, just as I hope you will love me with my imperfections.

You don't have to earn my love.  My love is there no matter what you do. 

I love you for who you are, always and forever.

Love,
Mom

Now give yourself the same kind of unconditional love.
 
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Bye Bye Emotional Outbursts!

6/30/2011

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My son has fewer emotional outbursts than he used to have. And when he does have outbursts, they are mild in comparison to what they used to be. 
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I don't see his emotional outbursts as an attack on me and my authority as a mom anymore.  Now I truly see his emotions as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching.  Emotion Coaching step #2. 

His emotions are an opportunity for intimacy because it is my chance to be there for him when he needs me most.  I can be his pillar of strength when he does not have the strength to hold it together.  When his emotions are raw, he is primed to hang on me and turn to me.  When I start giving punishments, he lashes out at me.  When I show tenderness to him even when he is out of control, the situation quickly de-escalates and he becomes grateful that I do not return his mood back on him with anger and punishments.  He is grateful when I listen without judgement to his complaints and concerns.  When he is calm, we can discuss what went wrong and how we both can do better in the future. 

His emotions are an opportunity for teaching because I can show him that it is ok to have feelings; everyone has hard times.  It is not ok to hurt others and when we do, like we all do sometimes, we can say sorry and try to fix it.   He rarely tries to hurt me anymore.  He loves to hear stories of what happened to me when I was a girl and especially about mistakes I made.    

The most important thing I can teach him by being patient and tolerant is that he is a good kid.  He is worthy of my efforts to support him and love him as he is right now, today.  He feels secure as I have consciously tried to never withhold my love from him.  I actively try to show him and teach him that I will always love him no matter what he does.  I may not be happy with his actions, and things will not run as smoothly if he chooses to go his own way, but I will always love him.  The immediate byproduct of my efforts to never withhold love is that he is trying even harder to please me and stay in our happy place.  Our relationship is so much better!! 

I wish you the best in your relationships!  And I  wish you a happy holiday weekend!!!!   Happy  Independence Day!!!

Love,
Alison
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How I learned Parenting Tool #1

11/26/2010

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I read Nuture Shock by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman.  The chapter on lying and the chapter on teenage rebellion had similar conclusions about the main motivation for kid's deceptive behavior.  I want to explore those fascinating chapters in depth later.   For now, I will briefly explain the similar conclusions.
In many different scientific studies, the data shows that virtually all kids lie!  That is the first thing to understand:  all kids lie, even the very young and even the straight-A obedient eighteen year olds.  The more intelligent they are, the better they are at lying and avoiding the truth without outright lying.  The more kids are punished for lying, the better they get at lying and deceiving.  We can explore how to deal with lying in another segment.

The compelling research further shows that the main reason kids lie is this:  kids want to please their parents!  The teenager's most common reason for hiding their behavior was, "I'm trying to protect the relationship with my parents.  I don't want them to be disappointed in me."    I repeat the most common teenage reason was,  "I don't want them to be diappointed in me."      I will let that sink in.  To me, it is profound.  It is Parenting Tool # 1.

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    ( June 1997 I became an RN) Graduation ceremony in Aug 2012 when I completed my bachelor degree in general studies with an emphasis in psychology

    About me:

    I am a lucky wife,
    blessed to be a 

    sahm mom, 
    a good friend to a few, 
    a not-employed-by-our-choice RN

    I love natural healing,
    peaceful parenting, pure beauty in life,
    and simplicity through minimalism

    I blog randomly on random topics.
    I blog to remember my family just the way we are today.
    I blog to speak my mind.  

    I am not trying to impress you; whatever I do is just average anyway.  That's ok, I am happy with being average.  You might be average like me.

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    I won't apologize for my opinions.  
    I would love to hear your friendly opinions.  

    Questions?  I love to discuss anything.

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