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Life

11/16/2011

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Life is not easy, but it helps to share it with someone.
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I like to study relationship theories.  My favorite is the Triangular Theory of Love which was developed by Robert Sternberg.  It postulates that there are three factors in a marital type of relationship.  It helps to decipher the causes of marital fighting and where the relationship can improve.  Children feel more secure when family bonds are strong.

The Triangular Theory of Love Diagram:
Intimacy in this case means friendship, closeness, sharing emotions and intimate details
Passion means sexual attraction and romance
Commitment means the decision to stay in the relationship
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INTIMACY in this case means friendship PASSION means sexual attraction, COMMITMENT means the decision to stay together
Each relationship can be evaluated by measuring the strength of any of these three factors.  Many relationships are weaker in one or two of the factors at any given time.  One, two or even all three of the factors can be completely absent in a relationship!   In which of the three areas is your relationship the strongest?  The weakest?

This graph shows different combinations of intimacy, passion and commitment.
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Friendship
I think that the greatest of the three factors is friendship.  It is being loyal and supportive.  It is being helpful.  It is truly caring about and listening to what the other person is going through.  It is feeling safe when sharing true thoughts and feelings with each other; ie: intimacy.  Good friends try really hard not to hurt each other.  There is no room for criticizing and bitterness in a great friendship.  One person can be a great friend even if the other is not.  My husband has taught me how to be a better friend.  :-) 

Commitment
The next important factor is commitment.  When times are rough, it helps to be completely committed to sticking together.  There was a study where couples who claimed to be unhappy were surveyed five years later.  Like 90% of them who stayed together now claimed to be happy.  Weathering storms together can make a couple stronger.

Passion
With a deep appreciation of the friendship and strong commitment to each other, the third factor usually falls into place naturally. 

I once heard a quote from an elderly woman celebrity who had been married a few times.  She said the worst thing is to reach the end of your life and realize you have no one to say, "Remember when..." with.  

I feel so lucky to have so many memories with my best friend husband!

Love,
Alison


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Eye for an eye

7/17/2011

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    I want to point out after my last post called 'Boys fight'  that I do not want promote or endorse retaliation as a technique for settling disputes. (Techniques don't work because every child is so different and every situation is so different.)  RetaIiation is bad, but justice is good.  I believe there is a higher law than 'an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.'   I believe in forgiveness and having peace in knowing that some kind of afterlife justice will take place and or that some kind of karma will take place in this life.

    That said, in my son's particular case with this particular friend: when they are playing, the friend pushes my son's buttons to the point of my son having breakdowns.  When this happens, the friend will offer my son a chance to do the same thing to him that he did to my son, a form of retaliation to make it even.  This is how they often settle a dispute on their own.  They try to make it fair.  If my son is too upset to want to play anymore, this friend will start to injure himself in a goofy way, like bonking himself in the head.  It's like the friend is retaliating on himself.   It makes my son laugh and they are best buddies again.
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   My point in my post 'Boys Fight' was to show you that after only ten minutes of Emotion Coaching, an extremely angry little boy was happy and playing with his buddy for six more continuous problem-free hours!  Incredible!   Every trace of jealousy and anger was swept away through the five steps of emotion coaching.  Not through any specific techniques, (because I have plenty of faulty techniques!) it was emotion coaching that turned the situation around. 

Have a great day!

Love,
Alison
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Boys fight

7/12/2011

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Here is the fighting story:

My son and his friend were sumo wrestling.  I stopped the kicking and the hitting, but I didn't stop their boisterous play-fighting soon enough.  My son went aggro on his friend!  Growling and screaming he kept lunging at his friend with windmill punches and the intent to do harm.  I tried in vain to get him to stop and calm down.  As I was restraining my son, explaining the need to stop hitting, I got hit, not hard, but it was with intent.  My son looked at me like, "I am mad and I don't care!" 

My whole intent was to get my son to calm down, so I couldn't get mad then.  Pouring water on his wrestling head helped a little to get them to laugh, but he was still out of control.  I did resort to saying something quietly in his ear like, "If you don't stop, you won't be able to play your DS for the rest of the day."  That threat got my son to sit down on the couch, but he was still seething and glaring at his friend.  I said to the friend, "Come on, I am taking you home."   We walked out the door and sat on the porch.  I couldn't leave my six year old home alone even for ten minutes and I couldn't have them in sight of each other until my son calmed down.  So I explained that we would wait there until my son calmed down.  We could hear him screaming, "I HATE ______!!" (friend's name)

After about five minutes, I went in and sat across from my son.  Everytime his friend peeked at us, my son screamed at him.  I said to my son, "It seems like he did something to you to make you angry because you are really mad."  My son was too mad to answer. 

I asked, "Do you want me to take him home?" Amazingly my son shook his head, no. 

I said, "It seems like you feel the need to do something to get even with him."  My son nodded and huffed with crossed arms, "Mmm Hmm!" 

I said, "What could you do to him to get even with him?"  My son liked the idea of retaliation and sweetly said said, "Kill him?"  I tried not to laugh, "That is a little extreme.  We have to think of something else." 

I called out to the friend and asked if my son could do something to him to get even.  They both agreed that squirting him with a water gun would suffice.  My son was instantly relieved and excited to squirt his friend.  I said, "We need to be sure that you are not angry anymore and you won't hurt him."  My son put on his happiest face to prove that he was no longer angry.  He gladly hugged his friend.  It was an amazing turn-around!  In our preparations to go swimming, we even forgot to carry out the retaliation.         
      
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That evening, we talked about why my son got so angry.  He said his friend wins everything.  It is true that his friend is stronger, faster, better at aiming and at throwing.  We pointed out how his friend plays sports and listens to his coach.  My son doesn't want to take lessons in anything or play organized sports.  We pointed out how my son is better at swimming and that made him feel better.  

I forgot to have the discussion about my son hitting me.  I am not worried about it because it has been well over a year since he has gotten that angry and tried to hit anyone.  Actually, ever since I have been practising emotion coaching, his occaisional anger has stopped escalating to that point.  With emotion coaching, he apologizes quickly for anything that I don't like.  He wants to keep our relationship loving and happpy.            
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Ok, I just had the hitting discussion.  I asked my son if he remembered what happened when he got so angry.  Like I thought he would, he immediately looked down and said, "Sorry, Mom."  I told him that we are actually glad that he can sometimes get mad like that because sometimes there are bullies out there that try to hurt people and we want our son to be able to protect himself.  His friend is not that kind of bully and I am not that kind of bully.  I have never hit my son and I never will. 

We hugged.  Once again, an emotional outburst has proven to be an oppurtunity for intimacy and teaching! 

Love,
Alison
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    Alison Jaehne RN, Life Coach

    ​

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    (In June 1997 I became an RN) In Aug 2012, I completed my bachelor degree in general studies with an emphasis in psychology. So happy my son could see me graduate.

    About me:

    I am a lucky wife,
    blessed to be a mom, 

    a good friend to a few, 


    I love natural healing,
    peaceful parenting, pure beauty in life,
    and simplicity through minimalism


    I consider everyone a friend.  😊

    I aim to keep my opinions friendly.  
    ​
    Friendly opinions are welcome here. 



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