My son has fewer emotional outbursts than he used to have. And when he does have outbursts, they are mild in comparison to what they used to be. 

I don't see his emotional outbursts as an attack on me and my authority as a mom anymore.  Now I truly see his emotions as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching.  Emotion Coaching step #2. 

His emotions are an opportunity for intimacy because it is my chance to be there for him when he needs me most.  I can be his pillar of strength when he does not have the strength to hold it together.  When his emotions are raw, he is primed to hang on me and turn to me.  When I start giving punishments, he lashes out at me.  When I show tenderness to him even when he is out of control, the situation quickly de-escalates and he becomes grateful that I do not return his mood back on him with anger and punishments.  He is grateful when I listen without judgement to his complaints and concerns.  When he is calm, we can discuss what went wrong and how we both can do better in the future. 

His emotions are an opportunity for teaching because I can show him that it is ok to have feelings; everyone has hard times.  It is not ok to hurt others and when we do, like we all do sometimes, we can say sorry and try to fix it.   He rarely tries to hurt me anymore.  He loves to hear stories of what happened to me when I was a girl and especially about mistakes I made.    

The most important thing I can teach him by being patient and tolerant is that he is a good kid.  He is worthy of my efforts to support him and love him as he is right now, today.  He feels secure as I have consciously tried to never withhold my love from him.  I actively try to show him and teach him that I will always love him no matter what he does.  I may not be happy with his actions, and things will not run as smoothly if he chooses to go his own way, but I will always love him.  The immediate byproduct of my efforts to never withhold love is that he is trying even harder to please me and stay in our happy place.  Our relationship is so much better!! 

I wish you the best in your relationships!  And I  wish you a happy holiday weekend!!!!   Happy  Independence Day!!!

Love,
Alison

    He told his church teacher last week that I never, ever get mad at him! 
It is true.  I rarely do get mad anymore.  Part of it is because he is six years old now and more willing to please and more in control of his emotions.  I think a bigger part of it is my new philosophy.

No need to control
Part of our better relationship is because I have completely changed my parenting philosophy.  I am not afraid of him trying to "control" me, and I don't try to "control" him.  There are essentially no issues of control between us.  We are more team-focused.  I am less of a dictator and more of a coach. We are happier when we co-operate together.  We try to accommodate each other with me as the mom and him as the "big kid" as he calls it.  I still make the rules, but we work together to make the rules achievable.   

Accommodate both agendas
We both have our own agendas.  I am trying to run a household with rules and routines and he is trying to have fun and play games all the time.  We make plans that will serve both our needs.  The more I respect his desires, the more he respects mine.  Sometimes I bend my rules to get even better behavior out of him, but I do not bend my rules if I don't feel good about it.  And I WILL NOT  bend any rules if there is any whining, crying or demanding. 

Respectful discussions
I realize now that he is learning lessons from his mistakes without my having to punish him.  Because I simply rely on respectful discussion and emotion coaching to teach him the lessons of life, he is grateful and more willing listen.  And most of the time he tells me he already knew it anyway.

Punishments make it worse
When I used to punish him with time-outs, or with removing things he wanted and the worst of all, when I sent a message by withholding my love and acting cold, he would lash out at me and rebel.   He could look me in the eye and deliberately do exactly what he knew would send me over the edge.  I really worried about what damage he was capable of.

No need to test my love
That has completely changed now (knock on wood!)   Since my goal has been to prove to him that I love him all the time no matter what, he doesn't feel the need to test my love.  I think he used to test my love.  He would see what he had to do to make my love go away, because sometimes it did.    Now that he is more secure that I love him no matter what, I can say, "I don't like that."  and he will stop and say, "sorry, mom," before I can even explain why. 

He is such a good kid now!!  He tries to do the right thing and make everyone happy!  Of course it is not perfect, but it is so much better!!!  

I am so happy I have come across these new ways of parenting!  A couple of years ago, I would have never believed it was possible, but I am living it!  We have fewer power struggles! 

I wish you all the joy that peaceful parenting can bring!

Love,
Alison

I heard this story in church on Father's Day:
     A prominent business man wrote in his journal, "Took my son fishing today.  What a waste of time."   
     The son wrote in his journal, "I went fishing with my Dad today!  It was the best day of my life!" 


I wanted to cry for that poor boy in the story!!    



This is what life is all about:

I was touched that our son was so excited to give his Dad the cards he made.  I love that they are hanging in prominent places.

May we have enough special times together that our kids feel valued.

Love,
Alison 

I love that quote! 

It's in the small everyday moments of shared feelings that we bond and create good times.  It is not spectacular.  But it is comforting to support each other.

Love,
Alison

Notes from As I See It: The Finer Points of Relating
Published: May 23, 2011 in The Four Hundred  by Victor Rozek

"How you do anything is how you do everything." This is one of those intriguing truisms that grew out of the personal growth movement. Although by no means absolute, there is enough verity in the observation to make it useful for identifying patterns of behavior. For example, it could explain the irritable workplace demeanor of a parent with a teenager at home.

To understand why, you have to reference the work of John Gottman, a psychologist who has spent the better part of his career studying the nuances of relationships. He analyzes married couples the way an entomologist would consider the behavior of beetles--through a combination of laboratory and field observation. Gottman found that one of the most vulnerable times in a marriage is when teenagers reach the age of 14. That's when couples reported having the least satisfaction with their relationship. And if things aren't going well at home, chances are some spillover will occur in the workplace, because how you treat your colleagues is reflective of how your treat your partner. In other words, how you do anything is how you do everything.

In spite of corporate guidelines, people who are sullen and angry at home are likely to be sullen and angry at work. People remote by nature will tend to isolate, while engaging people will bring their exuberance to work with them. Most companies dump all this effusive diversity into a blender we call the office, let it churn for eight to 10 hours a day, and hope something palatable emerges. And if that fails, it's off to Human Resources for a shaming lecture on inappropriate behavior.

Making relationships work is made even more challenging by the fact that there is really no such thing as a "relationship." It can't be measured, or weighed, or put in a box. What we call "relationships" are simply two people relating.

But how they relate is an observable phenomenon which is why, when the Harvard Business Review wanted hard data on what makes relationships work, it consulted Gottman, the man who has observed more people relating than perhaps any human on earth.

Twenty-five years ago, Gottman joined the University of Washington Department of Psychology and started the Family Research Laboratory, affectionately known as "The Love Lab." Here he would screen, interview, and observe the interactions of thousands of couples. Over the years, he added biofeedback systems to further nuance his findings. Clients were wired with equipment measuring such variables as heart rate, jitteriness, and skin conductivity. They were also videotaped and Gottman used facial expression coding to interpret unconscious microexpressions. In conflict and in harmony, at home and in the lab, Gottman observed and tabulated, and now is able to predict with over 90 percent certainty if a relationship is likely to succeed or fail.  Being the dutiful scientist, Gottman refused to speculate on workplace relationships (not his field of study), but much can be extrapolated from his research. Gottman says, The simplest way to make relationships work is to say "yes" as often as you can without sacrificing an important part of yourself in the process. "Yes, that's a good idea. Yes, I can help you. Yes, I have time to meet with you this afternoon."

Agreement vs Compliance
Gottman argues that agreement (saying yes) is not the same as compliance (becoming who someone else wants you to be).   In personal relationships, excessive compliance is a soul-killer.  [IE: Excessively becoming who someone else wants you to be is a soul-killer.] 

For long-term relationships, Gottman says the key is to "look for the positive in each other."

At work, as at home, praise and acknowledgment offers the reassurance that the person has value and that their contribution matters.

Over and over, Gottman reports finding that "respect and affection" are key success factors. Stopping whatever you're doing before engaging in conversation; listening without interruption; making eye contact; refusing to listen to gossip; giving and sharing credit, are all small ways to show respect in the workplace. Affection, however, is a loaded word in the office, but kindness can be substituted without fear of corporate reprisal: Can I get you a cup of coffee? I'm sorry to hear about your mother's illness. Is there anything I can do to help you prepare for the meeting? In this context, "affection" means caring about the other person beyond their title or function.

One of Gottman's most surprising findings is that "good relationships aren't about clear communication--they're about small moments of attachment and intimacy." Communication, so valued in the workplace, apparently builds understanding but not necessarily connection. The willingness to self disclose (which is the essence of intimacy) creates a stronger bond than the clearest communication about middleware options for high performance computing.

Gottman has four predictors of relationship failure which he refers to as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (just in case you are tempted to doubt their seriousness). They are, he claims, "the best predictors of breakup or continued misery," and include "criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt." The most destructive, he says, is contempt.
The End.

Let's not be critical, defensive, stonewall or have contempt for anyone, Ok?

Love,
Alison