The Finer Points of Relating

Learning the delicate dance of making relationships work

Notes from As I See It: The Finer Points of Relating
Published: May 23, 2011 in The Four Hundred  by Victor Rozek

"How you do anything is how you do everything." This is one of those intriguing truisms that grew out of the personal growth movement. Although by no means absolute, there is enough verity in the observation to make it useful for identifying patterns of behavior. For example, it could explain the irritable workplace demeanor of a parent with a teenager at home.

Dr. John Gottman

To understand why, you have to reference the work of John Gottman, a psychologist who has spent the better part of his career studying the nuances of relationships. He analyzes married couples the way an entomologist would consider the behavior of beetles--through a combination of laboratory and field observation. Gottman found that one of the most vulnerable times in a marriage is when teenagers reach the age of 14. That's when couples reported having the least satisfaction with their relationship. And if things aren't going well at home, chances are some spillover will occur in the workplace, because how you treat your colleagues is reflective of how your treat your partner. In other words, how you do anything is how you do everything.

In spite of corporate guidelines, people who are sullen and angry at home are likely to be sullen and angry at work. People remote by nature will tend to isolate, while engaging people will bring their exuberance to work with them. Most companies dump all this effusive diversity into a blender we call the office, let it churn for eight to 10 hours a day, and hope something palatable emerges. And if that fails, it's off to Human Resources for a shaming lecture on inappropriate behavior.

Relationships can't be measured, weighed, or put in a box.

Making relationships work is made even more challenging by the fact that there is really no such thing as a "relationship." It can't be measured, or weighed, or put in a box. What we call "relationships" are simply two people relating.

But how they relate is an observable phenomenon which is why, when the Harvard Business Review wanted hard data on what makes relationships work, it consulted Gottman, the man who has observed more people relating than perhaps any human on earth.

The Love Lab

Twenty-five years ago, Gottman joined the University of Washington Department of Psychology and started the Family Research Laboratory, affectionately known as "The Love Lab." Here he would screen, interview, and observe the interactions of thousands of couples. Over the years, he added biofeedback systems to further nuance his findings. Clients were wired with equipment measuring such variables as heart rate, jitteriness, and skin conductivity. They were also videotaped and Gottman used facial expression coding to interpret unconscious microexpressions. In conflict and in harmony, at home and in the lab, Gottman observed and tabulated, and now is able to predict with over 90 percent certainty if a relationship is likely to succeed or fail.  Being the dutiful scientist, Gottman refused to speculate on workplace relationships (not his field of study), but much can be extrapolated from his research. Gottman says, The simplest way to make relationships work is to say "yes" as often as you can without sacrificing an important part of yourself in the process. "Yes, that's a good idea. Yes, I can help you. Yes, I have time to meet with you this afternoon."

Agreement vs Compliance
Gottman argues that agreement (saying yes) is not the same as compliance (becoming who someone else wants you to be).   In personal relationships, excessive compliance is a soul-killer.  [IE: Excessively becoming who someone else wants you to be is a soul-killer.] 

Allow loved ones to be who they are and celebrate uniqueness

For long-term relationships, Gottman says the key is to "look for the positive in each other."

At work, as at home, praise and acknowledgment offers the reassurance that the person has value and that their contribution matters.

Over and over, Gottman reports finding that "respect and affection" are key success factors. Stopping whatever you're doing before engaging in conversation; listening without interruption; making eye contact; refusing to listen to gossip; giving and sharing credit, are all small ways to show respect in the workplace. Affection, however, is a loaded word in the office, but kindness can be substituted without fear of corporate reprisal: Can I get you a cup of coffee? I'm sorry to hear about your mother's illness. Is there anything I can do to help you prepare for the meeting? In this context, "affection" means caring about the other person beyond their title or function.

Good relationships are about small moments of attachment and connection

One of Gottman's most surprising findings is that "good relationships aren't about clear communication--they're about small moments of attachment and intimacy." Communication, so valued in the workplace, apparently builds understanding but not necessarily connection. The willingness to self disclose (which is the essence of intimacy) creates a stronger bond than the clearest communication about middleware options for high performance computing.

The Four Horsemen

Gottman has four predictors of relationship failure which he refers to as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (just in case you are tempted to doubt their seriousness). They are, he claims, "the best predictors of breakup or continued misery," and include "criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt." The most destructive, he says, is contempt.
The End.

Let's not be critical, defensive, stonewall or have contempt for anyone, Ok?

Love,
Alison