"The easiest way to make children feel that there is something wrong with them is to criticize them. It diminishes their image of themselves. Instead of criticism, children need information without derogation." (Haim Ginott, Child Psychologist, in his book, Between Parent and Child, p. 82)

It is easy for parents to pour out their complaints when children do childish things. But criticism attacks children's character without giving them useful information. When children stumble, rather than tell them to be careful or stop being clumsy, we can show compassion for the challenges of growing up. A good response might be, "It's easy to stumble when you're trying to hurry." Compassion is more helpful than criticism.

Next time you are tempted to criticize your child, stop. See what challenge your child may be facing. See the world through your child's eyes. Instead of criticizing the child by saying, "You never pick up your toys!" or "You are so forgetful!" take their point of view and give information as appropriate. Say, "You've been very absorbed with your toys. You haven't picked up your clothes yet. Will you do that now?" or "I see you forgot your lunch again. What can we do to help you remember it in the future?"

     Maybe ten years ago, as I was leaving the gym parking structure, I scraped a concrete pillar.  There was considerable damage to the vehicle's rear panel and taillight.   When I told my husband that I wrecked the car, I was so embarrassed and ashamed!  The last thing I wanted to hear from him was criticism or a lecture.  He could have easily said, "How could you do that?  I have told you to be more careful!  You weren't looking were you?  When are you going to learn?  This is going to be expensive to fix and our insurance will go up!" 

     Instead, he laughed and said, "It's only a car."  He told me he was grateful I wasn't hurt and that he loved me even if I would have totalled the whole car.  I still felt bad about what I did, but I was so relieved that my husband was not angry with me and showed compassion for me.

     I don't like to be criticized or lectured to and my son doesn't either.  I don't know anyone who likes it.  So I try to let the negative experiences be the teacher.  I will point out that it doesn't feel good when things like this happen.  I will ask my son if there is something we can learn from this. 

Sometimes he honestly has no clue about how others are affected by his behavior.  Sometimes he forgets it.  Sometimes he just needs to release some energy.  Sometimes he is tired of being bossed around all day.  Sometimes he doesn't have the mental and physical energy it takes to control himself.

Sometimes I don't say anything at all and just hug him.  In our sincere hugs, the bad feelings sometimes melt away and we can forgive each other without saying a word.  He is grateful when I can forgive him and move on.  Then he tells me he loves me.  And I feel like a much better Mom than when I get angry and lecture and criticize him.

I hope that is not how you feel about my parenting lectures!  :-)

Love,
Alison

Here is something I didn't know:

Easter eggs make great sand eggs!

Love,
Alison

The simple joys of childhood are so refreshing!

When was the last time we said that? 

When was the last time we allowed ourselves to savor the joys in the moment?  

Now is the time to enjoy, for tomorrow their childhood will be a memory.

Do our kids see us enjoying life?

Thank you for stopping by!!

Love,
Alison

See the little yellow cup made into a chick?  Our son made it at school.  When he showed it to me and pointed out the parts, he seemed a little sad.  I was anxious to start homework and didn't find out why he seemed a little sad about it.

Later, when he showed it to Dad and pointed out the parts, he was sad.  When we asked him to tell us about his chick, he said the other kids at school had a nose on their chicks and he didn't know to put a nose on his until it was too late.  He said the other kid's chicks were better than his.  We told him we loved his chick because he made it.  Even if it looked a little crazy, we loved it.  I named it 'Crazy Chick'.  He said, "No, it is Chick Chick."  Dad asked if he could take Chick Chick to his office.  Our son smiled and obviously felt better.

Taking a little time out to talk about Chick Chick allowed us to find out about our son's tender feelings.  We were able to reassure him and tell him how much we love him no matter what.  It may have seemed like a little incident and maybe it really was, but I am glad we were able to help on this one!  I hope he will always trust us enough to share his true feelings with us!

Love,
Alison

Happy Easter!!!  Hope you are having nice spring weather!

My son hates to run errands.  Anytime I say, "I need to....."  He will automatically beg to do anything else.  

Today I found something that worked, for today, at least.  I made a list of two things I wanted to get done: His haircut and buying a present for his friend's birthday.  I added a third item that my son would love to do and I wanted to do with him anyway: minigolf.  I drew little pictures next to each of the three tasks so he could read it better.   I showed him my list.  He "read" it.  I asked something like, "How can we get these three things done on the list?"  I expected him to argue about getting a haircut and shopping.

He surprised me by saying, "Let's play minigolf first.  Then we buy the present.  Then a haircut.  Ok, Mom?"   "Ok!  Great idea!"

We stuck to the list!  We got it all done!  No complaining!  Yay!

"Mom, I not want to go to school."  Uh-oh!  Here we go!  In the past, I would get stone cold and brace myself for a fight.  I would hurry and try to think of the best threat to use for when the situation escalated.  Today I decided to empathize and use PET (Parent Effectivenes Training).  I calmly asked,  "Why don't you want to go to school?" 
"Because it takes away my fun everyday.  Even on recess it takes away my fun." 
What could I say?  School does take away a kid's fun!  I hugged him.  I asked him, "What do think we should do?"  
"Not go to school."   I hugged him again.  
Because of our new "working with"  type of problem solving, he tried to meet me in the middle.   He walked over to the calendar and counted.  "Mom, what makes seven?"
"Do you mean like three and four?"
"Yes.  On three days I not go to school.  On four days, I go to school.  So today I not go to school." 
"Honey, school helps our minds to read and write better."   (I have been thinking of better ways of promoting school for him.  Telling him that me or Dad would have to go to jail if he didn't go to school doesn't seem nice, and it wasn't working anyway.)  I am proud of my new reason for why he has to go to school!  :-)

I can't remember how it resolved...I held out his coat.  He put it on.  We walked out to the car together.  I thought that once we got to school, he would refuse to get out of the car, like he has done before.  But he went in!  I feel lucky!  I believe that trying to empathize with his feelings rather than obviously trying to control him, helped.

Love,
Alison

I remember learning in some class that when kids are about two or three years old, their cognitive development limits them from understanding certain things.  No matter how you explain it, they can't understand it or get over it. 

I don't remember a name for it, but the rule goes something like:  young kids believe that once something is damaged, it is damaged forever and it can not be fixed in any way.

The textbook's example: they don't want pickles on a hamburger.  You take the pickles off, but they cry and scream because the hamburger is ruined forever!  They become instantly happy once you fix them a new hamburger, (or pretend to fix a new one, like I do.)

Another example: a toy breaks.  The child is inconsolable even though you fix the toy.  The child thinks it's damaged forever.  An emtion coaching parent might say, "Do you think it's ruined forever?"  "mm hmm"  "I'm sorry, that makes you so sad."  "mm hmm"  "It's sad when toys get broken.  You love that toy."

Luckily, I learned this little tip when my son was in that stage.  It is one area where I was able to have patience and tolerance in situations that appeared on the surface to be absurd.

Have a great day!

Love,
Alison

Taken from my childhood development essay: Other-regulation is the term coined by followers of Vygotsky to describe a situation in which a person is regulating another person or is being regulated.  Other-regulation in the form of recognizing other people’s behavior is a precursor to the reflective thinking found in self-regulation.  Self-regulation is regulating one’s own behavior and is a function higher cognitive development.  Self-regulation is another name for self-control.  In other words, recognizing other kids's behavior happens before kids can recognize and control their own behavior.

It applies to adults as well.  The important premise to remember is that people are better able to see the mistakes in other people’s behavior than in their own. 

Preschool age children recognize others making mistakes and breaking rules before they can recognize themselves making mistakes and breaking rules.  Kids tattle on each other.  Young children often tattle on others while they are violating the same rules they are tattling on! 

Followers of Vygotsky view tattling as an important step in being able to regulate one’s own behavior and would never advise punishing a child for tattling! 

In other words, recognizing other kids bad behavior is an important step before a child can learn self-control.  So when a kid tattles, don't automatically punish the tattling.  Turn tattling into a learning experience.  If you witness the same behavior, say, "You're right.  I'm glad you noticed that." or "That's not the best way to handle it." If you did not witness the behavior, ask, "What do you think of that behavior?"   "What might be a better way for them to handle it?" "What would you do?"

Love,
Alison