Blog Archives - Parent's Peace

Why Parenting Tool Number One Fails

11/26/2010

Parenting Tool Number One Is that Kids Don't Want To Disappoint Their Parents.
10 Reasons why kids fail to please their parents:
Some kids fail to please their parents because we have not effectively and lovingly taught them how to please us.

Some parents have expectations that are too high for themselves and or for their kids.

Some parents are so frequently disappointed that the kid gives up trying to please the parent.

Some parents call their child "stubborn," "a little devil" "hell on wheels" and a multitude of other defeating labels that children try to live up to.

Some parents praise kids with insincerity and a hidden agenda. Older kids see through it and want to avoid whatever it is the parent is getting at.

Some parents do not treat kids with respect and do not live worthy of respect.

Some parents ignore the true needs of the child by overindulging the child in any of the vast ways to indulge: money, clothes, extra-curricular activities, food, problem-solving, etc. Kids try to stop it or try to keep the indulgance going in all kinds of destructive ways.

Some parents do not invest enough of themselves into the parent-child relationship; either their head or their heart is not really into parenting.

Some parents don't know how to teach their children in loving ways.

That's only nine reasons, ha ha. The tenth reason will come to me later, lol.

The purpose of this blog is to teach parents how to encourage the childhood behavior they like to see in loving, kind AND EFFECTIVE ways. Is it possible to be loving, kind AND effective? YES!!!!!! I keep trying and little by little I can see the firm and loving ways working!!!!!! I am buiding a lifetime relationship with my son, not just trying to control today's behavior in any method that works.

Parenting Tool Number One

11/26/2010

Parenting Tool Number One is: Kids Don't Want To Disappoint Their Parents
People who are missing either Maternal acceptance or Paternal acceptance have a hole inside of them that can never be replaced. It seems almost biological. They can only cope and try to move on past their inner grief. People missing out on either motherly or fatherly love go searching for it their whole lives sometimes, and in all kinds of destructive ways. It is a devastating kind of thing.
As parents, we need to realize our importance in our child's life! We can work with this childhood need for parental approval. No matter what age our kids are, we can still appeal to this need in a positive way. I repeat, in a postive way! It is crucial we use this tool in a positive way or the results will backfire and the relationship will crumble!

How I learned Parenting Tool #1

11/26/2010

I read Nuture Shock by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman. The chapter on lying and the chapter on teenage rebellion had similar conclusions about the main motivation for kid's deceptive behavior. I want to explore those fascinating chapters in depth later. For now, I will briefly explain the similar conclusions.
In many different scientific studies, the data shows that virtually all kids lie! That is the first thing to understand: all kids lie, even the very young and even the straight-A obedient eighteen year olds. The more intelligent they are, the better they are at lying and avoiding the truth without outright lying. The more kids are punished for lying, the better they get at lying and deceiving. We can explore how to deal with lying in another segment.

The compelling research further shows that the main reason kids lie is this: kids want to please their parents! The teenager's most common reason for hiding their behavior was, "I'm trying to protect the relationship with my parents. I don't want them to be disappointed in me." I repeat the most common teenage reason was, "I don't want them to be diappointed in me." I will let that sink in. To me, it is profound. It is Parenting Tool # 1.

Causes of sleeplessness

11/22/2010

Taken from Chapter eight of Sleepless In America, by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka- In a study conducted by Dr A. Kahn, researchers found that 58% of children's sleeplessness was attributed to little decisions. So what are these little decisions that matter so much? There are four main categories:
1. Irregular schedule
2. Light
3. Lack of exercise or exercise at the wrong time
4. Stimulants
Together they create the ILLS of the night, playing tricks on your child's body clock, and your own. As you review them, think about each individual in your family. How sensitive your child is to the disruptions depends upon her temperament and current tension level. One child might be highly susceptible to even the slightest alterations, while another seems to go more easily with the flow. And when tensions are high, changes that upset the body clock are even more detrimental, because the body is already on alert. High-tension levels combined with a body clock out of equilibrium can make bedtime an event to dread hours before it arrives.
Understanding why our children fight us about sleeping and why they need extra efforts to help them to sleep can help us to have empathy for them instead of frustration and anger. With our empathy and love, it is easier to combat the tension and ills that rob our children of needed sleep. Then we can sleep!!!! We need sleep to be able to have empathy and love!!!!! I hope you sleep well tonight!!!!

Bedtime Basic Notion

11/20/2010

Just as we have to teach our children how to deal with sometimes wild emotions, we have to teach our children how to calm down to be able to sleep. Most children don't instinctively know how to deal with their emotions or how to get to sleep on their own. We need to help them!

We cannot expect them to transtion from the hectic, achievement-oriented, frenetic pace of modern life to a restful, sleeping state just because we yell at them to go to sleep. It doesn't work that way. Trust me, I know! We have to show empathy and provide a restful, calm experience for them at bedtime so they can leave the stressful events of the day behind and calm down so they can fall asleep. We need to work with our children to learn what it takes for them to calm down enough. Some kids needs hours of care and preparation at first, sorry! The more we teach them calming methods at bedtime through routine and repitition, the less they will rely on us to get them to a restful sleeping state. It is possible!!!

Sweet dreams!! More to come later!! My favorite book full of tips: Sleepless in America by Mary Sheedy Kurchinka

The Five Key Steps for Emotion Coaching

11/19/2010

Taken from chapter 3 in Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child-
The five steps Emotion Coaching Parents commonly use to build empathy into relationships with their children:

1. Being aware of the child's emotion
2. Recognizing the emotion as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching
3. Listening empathetically and validating the child's feelings
4. Helping the child verbally label emotions
5. Setting limits while helping the child problem-solve

My Attempt at Emotion Coaching

11/16/2010

    Last night as we were walking from the car into the house, my son was playing a game on my Ipad. He tripped on a step and fell. Obviously he was ok, but he laid there an moaned because it scared him. I walked back and said with a little exasperation, "Honey, you fell? Did you break the Ipad? No? Good. Well get up and come into the house. And don't play it until you are done walking."   My command was unclear: 'until you are done walking?' what does that mean? Of course, he played it while we walked into the house. My command was new and inconsistent: I have let him play with my precious Ipad and walk at the same time a bunch of times even though I know five year olds get distracted easily and trip up. Once a freedom is granted it is difficult to take it back. It takes a little more thought and care to successfully remove a priviledge that was once given.
    My feeble attempt to change the rule didn't go over well. I said, "Honey, I asked you not to play and walk at the same time. If you do, I will have to take it away. If you fall and break it, we will never be able to play it again." It was a lame threat with no starting point, duration or finish. He was already doing the thing I was threatening against! I confused the threat with the safety warning and the parameters of each were unclear.
    He came into the house, set the Ipad down, dropped to the floor face-down and wimpered.   Here was my chance for Emotion Coaching! I said, "Oh honey, come here." He was a 'wet noodle' which made lifting him to the couch too tough. I sat on the floor beside him, "Come here, honey." Lifting him onto my lap was even too back-straining with the way he was intent on lying face down on the floor and avoiding my gaze and my touch. I said humorously, "Ok, I will lie with you." I laid next to him on the floor and said with as much compassion as I could muster, "Honey, did that hurt your feelings?"     He whined louder, "Uh-huh."   "Is it because I said you could never play the Ipad again?"     "Uh-huh."   "That would be really sad wouldn't it? I love to play the Ipad."   "I do too!" he now let me hold him on my lap.   "I'm so glad you didn't break it, because then we wouldn't be able to play it ever agian; it would be broken. That would be sad because I like to play it."   "Me too," he now could look in my direction.   I continued, "I have seen pictures of what Ipads look like when they get dropped and broken."   His eyes got big, "Huh?"   "Would you like to see a picture of what a broken one looks like?"   "Yes!"  "Ok, I will show you."   We held hands as we walked to the computer and looked up broken Ipad pics. Episode over in less than five minutes.
    Before Emotion Coaching? He would have sulked and eventually bawled for at least 30 minutes or more and possibly shouted, "I hate you!"   I would have lectured him on why he shouldn't be upset. I would have recounted for him all the services I had provided for him that day and told him if he wanted more favors from me he needed to be happy. Lol!! I am so glad I now know better!!!! Whew!!!

Family Life...Our school for emotional learning

11/15/2010

Taken from Chapter One in Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child: "Family life is our first school for emotional learning," writes Daniel Goleman, psychologist and author of Emotional Intelligence. "In this intimate cauldron we learn how to feel about ourselves and how others will react to our feelings; how to think about these feelings and what choices we have in reacting; how to read and express hopes and fears This emotional schooling operates not just through the things parents say and do directly to children, but also in the models they offer for handling their own feelings and those that pass between husband and wife. Some parents are gifted emotional teachers, others atrocious."
I don't want to be an atrocious emotional teacher! I am afraid at times I have been! I have demanded that my son stop crying before he is done. And I have become angry at him for having negative feelings!! My poor son! Now that I know about Emotion Coaching, I am a much more loving mom when he is sad or upset. Thank Goodness!

Introduction to Emotion Coaching

11/13/2010

Taken from the Preface of the book, Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child: Even the most warm, loving and caring parents often have attitudes about emotions that get in the way of being able to talk to children effectively when the child is sad, afraid or angry. Love is not enough, by itself. Channeling that love into some basic skills that parents practise as if they are coaching their child in the arena of emotion was enough.

John Gottman and his research team have studied parents and children in very detailed laboratory studies and followed the children as they developed. After a decade of research, the team encountered a group of parents who did five very simple things with their children when the children were emotional. They call those five things "Emotion Coaching." They found that the children who had Emotion Coaching parents were on an entirely different developmental trajectory than the children of other parents.

The Emotion- Coaching parents had children who simply had more general abilities in the area of their own emotions than children who were not coached by their parents. These abilities included being able to regulate their own emotional states. The children were better at soothing themselves when they were upset. They could calm down their hearts faster. Because of the superior performance in that part of their physiology that is involved in calming themselves, they had fewer infectious illnesses. They were better at focusing attention. They related better to other people, even in the tough social situations they encountered in middle childhood like getting teased, (where being overly emotional is a liability not an asset.) They were better at understanding people. They had better friendships with other children. They were better at situations in school that required academic performance.

In short, they had developed a kind of "IQ" that is about people and the world of feelings, or emtional intelligence. The book, Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child will teach you the five steps of Emotion Coaching so that you can raise an emotionally intelligent child.

I hope to help parents learn the principles of Emotion Coaching since they have completely changed my family relationships for the better! We are more tolerant of our moods and can work through all of our negative emotions easier with less frustration and fewer power struggles. I am a fan!!!!

John Gottman, author of my favorite parenting book

11/13/2010

John Gottman, Phd was a mathmetician before he became a professor of psychology at the University of Washington. He has managed to combine the scientific method to the erratic and highly subjective study of human behavior. He has found through science, more peaceful and effective ways of dealing with other humans beings. He uses the heartbeat, sweatglands, facial expressions and other body facts to measure the stress level of family members as they interact together. He has been able to effectively reduce stress and fighting in families through the communication skills he teaches. Being a nurse and a psychology student, I see the incredible value of linking the two very different sciences. I LOVE him!!
I saw him once at a seminar and I really wanted to tell him I love him! I am enthralled with his research data. I am grateful for the years of research he has done and his willingness to share his findings to help families get along better. He is my hero! My life is so much better from applying his knowledge. But I was too chicken to walk up to him during the bathroom break. Ha ha!

John Gottman Ph.D.