I subscribed to a newsletter called Parenting Journey at www.arfamilies.org
I Love it!!  They quote my favorite book!

""Parents have a tremendous opportunity to influence their kids' emotional intelligence by helping them learn self-soothing behaviors from infancy on." (John Gottman, professor of psychology, in his book, Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child. p. 41)

When your child is upset or afraid, first soothe yourself. Take a deep breath. Think about their challenges. Then comfort them. Instead of lecturing them, let them know that they are heard and that their feelings matter. When children know their needs will be met when they are appropriately expressed, children will learn to handle small upsets in life on their own."

Love,
Alison

Author Wallace Goddard writes:
Three Kinds of Understanding that Facilitate Compassion:
"1. Understanding development: recognizing that many of the irritating things children do are an important and normal part of their development

2. Understanding their unique temperaments or personalities: recognizing that each child has a unique way of navigating life—and, with compassion, we learn to accept and value his or her way

3. Understanding their circumstances: being tuned into the stresses and demands in their lives so that we can be compassionate and supportive

You may already see an important theme developing: Children do what they do for reasons that make sense to them. Children do not cry in the night because they love to make us suffer. They do not fight with their siblings because they are hateful people. In every case they do what they do in order to survive. Their actions may not be the best approach, but they are motivated by some perceived need in the child.

There is an important corollary to this observation: When we think that their behavior is crazy or irrational, we do not understand them. Our indignation at their irrationality is a sign that we need to stretch our compassion."

When I am more compassionate, and understanding with my son, I have more peace.  

Thank you for reading this!  May you have more peace!

Love,

Alison 

Take time to to think of replies that are honest.  It will pay off in the long run as greater trust in your word grows. 

If you don't know, say, "I don't know." 

Or say, "As soon as I know I'll let you know"

If you need time to determine if the reply is 'yes' or 'no',
say "Maybe..." "We'll see..." "It's possible..." "Probably not..." "That's all I know right now" "I have to think about it"

The best honest reply that works in many situations is saying:  "I don't feel good about....." 
For example, rather than lying, "I don't have any candy."   Say, "I don't feel good about eating candy right now."   Then follow with some kind of postive, "But you can have a carrot."

State your "no's" clearly, firmly and gently.
Rather than lying, "The amusement park is closed."    Say, "I am sorry, No. We are not going there today."  Then validate the feelings and the desire, "That's too bad, it's a fun place to go.  You really love it there.  What do you like the best at that place?" 

If you change your mind it's ok, but validate their feelings and apologize.
For exapmle, "I know I told you that you could play with a friend, but I didn't realize how late it was.  You can't play now.  I am sorry I said you could, I know you really wanted to."



Honesty...we expect it of them, we must be the example.
Love,     Alison

 My FB reply to a friend who is questioning when and how to use her updated teaching license, and what to do with her kids, 3 years and 7 mos:

Way too soon someone else will be teaching them all day and you won't be their number one anymore. They need you the most right now to teach them and love them while you can.
 
It seems like there's a void and like kids can never get enough of their parent's love and time and attention! Twenty-four hours a day with your constant presence and they're still clamoring for more!  It's draining!
 
But they love you and there is a sparkle in their eye and a sweet confidence that develops when they know they're loved as they go off into the world.

Unless you have to, I say use your license when they're gone. I always wanted to try the preschool at home thing. Congratulations on getting your license!!! You'll use it when the time is right for you and your family.

Research has shown that keeping a gratitude journal for 90 days can improve levels of depression for up to 2 years afterwards. WOW!  (Research by Martin Seligman PhD,  The Optimistic Child) 

So what can we be grateful for?    I am so grateful that I didn't spend hours in a Children's Hospital today caring for a sick child.    Whatever else may have happened today, I am grateful for that!  Actually today was a pretty good day.

I am grateful that you have visited this website!  I hope you find what you are looking for!

Coming soon...Parenting Tool #2!

Thank you!

Alison

Are you ever embarrassed to say, "I'm just a housewife." at your husband's work party?

Well look what I found in my college textbook and then pat yourself on the back!

"...It is important to remember that the value and prestige assigned to particular postions and accomplishments are not decreed by some absolute authority but are decided by social consensus.

That consensus in a male-centered culture reflects a tendency to value traditionally masculine accomplishments more than feminine ones.

Thus, in our society, becoming a corporation president, writing a best-selling novel, reaching the million mark in record sales, hitting a record number of home runs, or getting a large research grant are considered achievements, raising three children is not.

The popular definition of achievement has emerged in such a way that success in the traditionally feminine domain of home and family is simply taken for granted rather than treated as an accomplishment.

...she has learned to answer that she is "just a housewife," although her job may well involve more work and higher levels of skill than many others that are more prestigious."  (p. 470 An Intro to Sex and Gender by Hilary M. Lips)

I don't care what you say about success, Social Consensus!  Honestly trying and helping this little guy to learn how to have a happy life is one great accomplishment!   

I hope you realize the value and heavenly prestige in being a loving mother!

Love,


Alison

I love the relationship we are building.  We have a mutual respect for each other and we try to make each other happy. 
The techniques I try to follow from Parent Effectiveness Training have significantly reduced the UGLY power struggles we used to have.  Now we:

1)Try to calmly listen and take turns calmly talking about what we each want in situations where we are at odds.  We have to do this before it gets too heated or we get too mad and can't communicate.  If either of us is too angry, we both must cool down first, stop crying and approach the subject later.  Once we are able to calmly talk about what we want, we sit down and: 
2)Try to think of a solution together that we can both be happy with.  (To get him thinking, participating, and learning, I pretend to be thinking of a solution and wait for him to come up with one)
3) When he can come up with a solution that we both can be happy with, I generously praise him for helping us to find a solution. I enourage him to apologize and clean up after any verbal or physical damages, which are usually directed at me. When he awkwardly tries to repair and apologize, I sincerely forgive him.  I apoligize for anything I did that may have hurt his feelings, (whether I feel my behavior is justified or not.  If I hurt his feelings, I need to apologize for hurting his tender feelings).  We hug and can happily move on with our new solution. 


What used to take all day to horribly fight over can now possibly (I add to keep it real)  be resolved in minutes! 


 I am trying to summarize a whole book that I really believe into a brief and interesting blog post.  I need help to make it better.  Please share your thoughts, I'd love to hear! 

Love,

Alison

On the way home from school....

Six year old:  Mom there are twelve grades.
Mom:  You right!   There are twelve grades and then college.

Six year old:  College?
Mom: Yes.  I went to college to learn how to be a nurse.
Six year old: No, to be my Mom!

It's true, I knew that everything I learned in college would help me to be a better Mom.  And being a Mom has the most far-reaching significance of anything I do!