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Children as status symbols, we all do it

5/24/2011

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Can You Become More Accepting of Yourself? www.gordontraining.com

"Studies show that a direct relationship exists between how accepting people are of others and how accepting they are of themselves. A person who accepts himself as a person is likely to feel a lot of acceptance for others. People who cannot tolerate a lot of things about themselves usually find it difficult to tolerate a lot in others.

A parent needs to ask himself a penetrating question: “How much do I like who I am?”

If the honest answer indicates a lack of acceptance of himself as a person, that parent needs to reexamine his own life to find ways to become more fulfilled from his own achievements. Persons with high self-acceptance and self-regard are generally productive achievers who are using their own talents, who are actualizing their own potential, who accomplish things, who are doers.

Parents who satisfy their own needs through independent productive effort not only accept themselves but also needn’t seek gratification of their needs from the way their children behave. They don’t need their children to turn out in a particular way. People with high self-esteem, resting on a firm foundation of their own independent achievement, are more accepting of their children and the way they behave.

On the other hand, if a parent has few or no sources of satisfaction and self-esteem from his own life and must depend heavily on getting satisfaction from the way others evaluate his children, he is likely to be unaccepting of his children–especially those behaviors that he fears may make him look like a bad parent.

Relying upon this “indirect self-acceptance,” such a parent will need to have his children behave in certain specified ways. And he is more likely to be unaccepting of them and upset with them when they deviate from his blueprint.

Producing “good children”–high achievers in school, socially successful, competent in athletics, and so on–has become a status symbol for many parents. They “need” to be proud of their children; they need their children to behave in a way that will make them look like good parents to others.

In a sense, many parents are using their children to bring themselves a feeling of self-worth and self-esteem. If a parent has no other source of self-worth and self-esteem, which is unhappily true of many parents whose lives are limited to raising “good” children, the stage is set for a dependency on children that makes the parent overanxious and severely needful that the children behave in particular ways."

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Ouch.
It is really tough to separate our desire for our children's success in life from our desire to look good in front of others.   Whose interest do we really have at heart when we are angry and upset with our kid's behavior? 

We all are guilty of serving our own egos sometimes.  It's something to keep in mind.

Love,
Alison
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Techniques don't work

5/23/2011

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Adapted from Hold On to Your Kids by Gordon Neufeld page 84:

     "The power to parent does not arise from techniques, no matter how well meant, but from the attachment relationship."

     In other words, effective parenting comes from the strength of the loving bonds between a parent and child and a willingness to cooperate together.

     "The secret of a parent's power is in the dependence of the child.  Children are born completely dependent, unable to make their own way in this world.  [They] are utterly reliant on others for being taken care of, for guidance and direction, for support and approval, for a sense of home and belonging.
 
     Children need guidance and direction.  Children crave emotional support, approval, and a sense of home and belonging."  Actually we all crave that don't we?  If we do not supply the emotional support and sense of approval children crave, they will not look to us for guidance and direction.  They will look for directions from wherever they feel supported and approved of.
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Fuel for the fire of family bonds: emotional support, approval, a sense of home and belonging.

     The more I focus on connecting with my son through emotion coaching, and gentle persuasion, the more he is willing to follow the household program.  That means fewer power struggles!  Yay!

Happiness depends on the strength of family connections!

Love,
Alison
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How to form a bond

5/21/2011

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There are six ways to form a close bond with anyone.  From the book, Hold Onto Your Kids, Gordon Neufeld's Six stages of attachment:

Proximity- Spend time together focused on each other
Sameness- If you only have one thing in common that you enjoy, share in it together and make it special.  Celebrate sameness. 
Belonging/Loyalty-  Always stick up for each other
Significance-  Show each other how important you are to each other
Love-  Express your love often
Being Known- Get to know and respect their likes and dislikes 

Each of these offers a variety of ways to fortify attachment and form close bonds.
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Heading up the mountain on a 4-wheeler to camp overnight. "You the best Dad in the whole wide world!"

When I have focused on the six stages of attachment, I feel closer to my friends and family.   

Thanks for stopping by!

Love,
Alison

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Friendships are wonderful!

5/20/2011

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Good friends accept us and like us for who we are, even with our quirks.  

Good friends are loyal; they don't say negative things about us to anyone. 

Good friends are completely honest with us.

Good friends can tell us hard things in a loving way to help encourage us.  They don't always say what we want to hear.  They will tell us when we are wrong and that they love us anyway.

Friends are forgiving

      I'm too tired to try and think of all the things that make a good friend.... 
 

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He loves his friends at school.

What I would like to say is that families can adopt the principles of good friendship with each other. 

Spouses and parents can start by being accepting, loyal, forgiving and cultivating all the rest of the friendly behaviors to promote peace in the home. 

The world can always use more peace!  It all starts in the home

Love,
Alison
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Make-believe

5/19/2011

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I forget the cares of the world when I fully involve myself in his world of play and make-believe!  If my mind is somewhere else, it's not the same.

Right now he calls me Mrs. Jayne.  He likes to pretend we are in school all the time.  We took a 'field trip' today with five pretend kids from his actual school class.  The pretend kids line up behind him wherever we go.  He loves to be first!  I don't mind playing the role of teacher in our pretend school.  I give directions and add homework to our day.
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Sometimes out of the blue, he tells me I am the best Mom in the world.  (Of course he tells Dad he is the best Dad in the world  I tell him he is the best son in the world and I love being his Mom.

I appreciate your visit here!

Love,
Alison

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Teen attitude already?

5/18/2011

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Today I got the slighest glimpse of what parents of teenagers might feel.
    
     On the way into the house, my son asked me if he could play the Wii game.  I told him that it's almost time for bed. If he could hurry and use the restroom and get his pajamas on, he might be able to play a little bit.  I guess it was not the answer he wanted to hear.
  
     As he walked in the door he ever so slightly pushed the door so it almost closed on me.  He kept walking and did not turn around to check if the door actually closed on me.  I wasn't sure, but I thought he almost tried to shut the door on me on purpose!  I have never seen this behavior before!  The behavior was slight, it's the attitude behind the behavior that concerned me. 

     To avoid encouraging a lie, I asked in a curious joking tone that showed I was not mad, "Did you push the door closed on me?"  He barely turned around and grinned as if he was proud of it.  I started in softly, "Honey,..."  Before I could say anything more he said, "Sorry,"  in a half- hearted, goofy way as he shut the bathroom door.

     After he was ready, he called to me.  I walked over and started to say, "Honey, I still don't feel good about..."   Before I could explain how shutting the door on me hurt my feelings, he said, "Sorry, Mom.  Sorry."  This time his apology felt sincere.  I thanked him for apologizing to me.  To prove his sincerity and gratefulness, he surprise hugged me.  We laughed.  I think he was grateful I did not get mad at him or lecture him.
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     I feel good about how it turned out.  He willingly did everything to get ready for bed after that, including stopping the game without complaint! 

     I am trying to teach him to have empathy for everyone's feelings, including mine.  Emotion Coaching is making it easier to teach about feelings.  I did not have to say much at all.  My dignity was preserved.  That disrespectful attitude was nipped in the bud, so to speak.  We quickly made up.  Hopefully he learned that in the future, that attitude will not go unnoticed or unaddressed.  His dignity was preserved and our relationship is still good.  

Thanks for listening!

Love,
Alison
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We are so lucky

5/17/2011

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I worked in the Intensive Care Unit for seven years, I already knew how quickly things can change without any warning.  

Looking at my friend's mangled SUV today reminded me once again of how fragile life can be.  It is a miracle she and her two kids walked away from the wreck.   

Tonight I am grateful for my family.  I am grateful for our health.  I am grateful we can laugh and talk, run and play games.
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I am grateful we have a refridgerator full of food and pure water to drink.  We have nice, warm, clean beds to crawl into.  We still have each other.

Buckle up and drive safely.

Love,
Alison 
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Let's do it

5/16/2011

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I scribbled a note from the book Hidden Messages in Water pg 136.
"There is a completely different effect when you speak to children with love and when you just order them.
It's the difference between, "Let's do it" and "Do it."  I also clearly understand that this is felt in each one of our cells."
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We love it when he winks at us.
When we are gentle with him and his needs and wants, he is much more willing to go along with our program when we say, "Let's do it."  He

Have a happy day!

Love,
Alison
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Warm and accepting

5/15/2011

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Warm and accepting, positive parenting-  
My Child Development textbook says, “Warm positive parenting lets young people know that they are accepted as competent and worthwhile.”   It also says that children whose parents are warm accepting and positive feel especially good about themselves. 

     I have noticed that it takes a very strong person to not be influenced by how others treat them.  Even mature, competent adults with well-established positive self-esteems have a difficult time rising above insults, criticism and disapproval from others. 

    It’s no wonder tender young children are highly influenced by how they are treated.
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I want him to feel good about himself, so I must accept him as competent and worthwhile... even if he acts like a child.  Wait a minute, he is a child!  A miraculous glorious child!  And I am so lucky to be his Mom!  I can't wait to give him a hug in the morning!

Love,
Alison
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Self-Control

5/14/2011

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     An exerpt from my Child Development college paper on how to help children develop self-control:
    

     A few months ago, I picked my son up from his friend’s birthday party.  The friend’s mother said, “Your son is so well behaved! I can tell you have been working with him on it.”  I said, “Thank you!  Well I haven’t been working on it. It must be the school, ha ha.”  She has had her own four kids in the same private school my son attends.  She said, “It’s not the school.  They don’t teach that.”  I thanked her again and then marveled at what helps a kid to behave.

      One theory I have about behavior is that no one likes to be controlled.  I don’t want to be controlled.  My husband hates to be controlled.  I know my son hates it.  I want my son to be able to control himself…to have self-control.       

     One way I attempt to minimize control over him is to avoid barking commands at him.  In the case of minor danger, instead of automatically barking, “Get down from there!”  I say, “Oh honey, that stool doesn’t look very stable,” or “I really don’t like you climbing up there.  It scares me.”  Because I merely point out the factors he might not be aware of, he has the opportunity to decide for himself whether or not he wants to take the risk.  Most of the time, he makes the safer decision.  If he doesn’t, I either allow him prove me wrong or I escalate the urgency and consequences in my favor.  
 
      In the case of following rules in public, I don’t automatically snap, “Get away from there!”  I try to let public signs and policies do the policing.  I say, “Honey, look, the sign says to not climb on that.”  If an authority is nearby, I will politely ask them for my son’s benefit, “Excuse me, is it ok for us to swing on the ropes?” with a wink my son doesn’t see.  Most of the time, they are happy to repeat the policy for his sake.

     In the case of public politeness, I point out how others might be disturbed by loud talking.  When he almost bumps into someone or cuts them off as he is running around, I apologize for him, modeling polite behavior.  I rarely demand polite behavior of him.  I point out how others feel to increase empathy.  He watches me smile and say please and thank you everywhere we go.  I wave to the neighbors and try to be kind to everyone.    When he is polite, which is most of the time, it is self-motivated and self-controlled.  
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So that is part of my essay!  I don't want to sound on here like I know it all or that I think I am perfect!  I have definitely caused psychological damage to my son in various ways, for sure!!  I am just trying to figure out the best ways to go about this job of parenting.    I am glad you are, too!!

Love,
Alison
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    ( June 1997 I became an RN) Graduation ceremony in Aug 2012 when I completed my bachelor degree in general studies with an emphasis in psychology

    About me:

    I am a lucky wife,
    blessed to be a 

    sahm mom, 
    a good friend to a few, 
    a not-employed-by-our-choice RN

    I love natural healing,
    peaceful parenting, pure beauty in life,
    and simplicity through minimalism

    I blog randomly on random topics.
    I blog to remember my family just the way we are today.
    I blog to speak my mind.  

    I am not trying to impress you; whatever I do is just average anyway.  That's ok, I am happy with being average.  You might be average like me.

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    I won't be offended if you repost my content in any way.  I will be proud that you liked it enough to use it.

    I won't apologize for my opinions.  
    I would love to hear your friendly opinions.  

    Questions?  I love to discuss anything.

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