Maybe ten years ago, as I was leaving the gym parking structure, I scraped a concrete pillar. There was considerable damage to the vehicle's rear panel and taillight. When I told my husband that I wrecked the car, I was so embarrassed and ashamed! The last thing I wanted to hear from him was criticism or a lecture. He could have easily said, "How could you do that? I have told you to be more careful! You weren't looking were you? When are you going to learn? This is going to be expensive to fix and our insurance will go up!"
Instead, he laughed and said, "It's only a car." He told me he was grateful I wasn't hurt and that he loved me even if I would have totalled the whole car. I still felt bad about what I did, but I was so relieved that my husband was not angry with me and showed compassion for me.
I don't like to be criticized or lectured to and my son doesn't either. I don't know anyone who likes it. So I try to let the negative experiences be the teacher. I will point out that it doesn't feel good when things like this happen. I will ask my son if there is something we can learn from this.
Sometimes he honestly has no clue about how others are affected by his behavior. Sometimes he forgets it. Sometimes he just needs to release some energy. Sometimes he is tired of being bossed around all day. Sometimes he doesn't have the mental and physical energy it takes to control himself.
Sometimes I don't say anything at all and just hug him. In our sincere hugs, the bad feelings sometimes melt away and we can forgive each other without saying a word. He is grateful when I can forgive him and move on. Then he tells me he loves me. And I feel like a much better Mom than when I get angry and lecture and criticize him.
Instead, he laughed and said, "It's only a car." He told me he was grateful I wasn't hurt and that he loved me even if I would have totalled the whole car. I still felt bad about what I did, but I was so relieved that my husband was not angry with me and showed compassion for me.
I don't like to be criticized or lectured to and my son doesn't either. I don't know anyone who likes it. So I try to let the negative experiences be the teacher. I will point out that it doesn't feel good when things like this happen. I will ask my son if there is something we can learn from this.
Sometimes he honestly has no clue about how others are affected by his behavior. Sometimes he forgets it. Sometimes he just needs to release some energy. Sometimes he is tired of being bossed around all day. Sometimes he doesn't have the mental and physical energy it takes to control himself.
Sometimes I don't say anything at all and just hug him. In our sincere hugs, the bad feelings sometimes melt away and we can forgive each other without saying a word. He is grateful when I can forgive him and move on. Then he tells me he loves me. And I feel like a much better Mom than when I get angry and lecture and criticize him.
This is what he thinks of my behavior lectures. "I already know that, Mom!"
I hope that is not how you feel about my parenting lectures! :-)
Love,
Alison
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