"Children seldom misquote you.  In fact they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said."  - Anonymous quote borrowed off my friend, Nicki's blog.

My son came in the door with Grandma after a fun day out and triumphantly told me, "Mom!  My camera didn't break!  Grandma has never broken anything of mine!  Really!"    I was embarrased as I realized he probably had repeated word for word why I didn't want him to take his camera to Grandma's. 

When I told my son he could ride on the bike in the store, I really didn't think he would fall in love with it so quickly.  The more he rode on it, the more he told me we needed to buy it.  He did not want to leave the store without it.  I kept saying, "I am not prepared to buy this bike today."  and  "We are not buying this bike right now."  He was determined to leave the store with the bike.  I was determined to leave the store without it.  I was also determined to not use a threat or bribe this time to get him off of the bike and out of the store. 

So I waited and I waited.  I decided I didn't care that the ice cream was melting, I wanted to see if I could avoid using the typical threat that I use, "If you want to play the wii game, we need to leave right now."  Lately it works like a charm, but I wanted to see if I could get by without a threat.  So I waited.

His best argument was that we needed to buy the bike now because somebody else might buy it and he wanted this very one.  I didn't know how to respond to that one!  It was a good point!  I paused and thought and then said, "Honey, if we go and come back and the bike is not here, I will give you fifty dollars."  (which is less than the bike costs anyway)  I wasn't opposed to buying the bike sometime somewhere, just not now.  I reminded him of what we told him before...that if he learned to ride on two wheels, he could get a new bike.

Finally, he said, "OK."  in a defeated tone and we left the store.  He was subdued and mopey until he asked for an ice cream cone.  OK, I'll say yes to that!  He did so well not causing a scene and walking away from the bike that he really wanted!  I 'd love to give him an ice cream cone.  It wasn't a bribe!!   And I didn't have to threaten him!!   This time anyway.  It was a more peaceful way to handle a potentially ugly situation.  Yay!!!

Happy parenting!

Love,
Alison

I love this!  From Unconditional Parenting:
"I might as well warn you now: What follows will not be step-by-step recipe for How to Raise Good Kids...Very specific suggestions("when your child says x, you should stand at location y and use z tone of voice to utter the following sentence...") are disrespectful to parents and kids alike.  Raising children is not like assembling a home theater system or preparing a casserole, such that you need only follow an expert's instructions to the letter. 

No one-size-fits-all formula can possibly work for every family, nor can it anticipate an infinite number of situations.  Indeed, books that claim to offer such formulas, while eagerly sought by moms and dads desperate for a miracle cure, usually do more harm than good." - Alfie Kohn

I believed that I could put the many "tricks" and "techniques" that I have tried into this website and it would be helpful.  I was desperate to find very specific suggestions, the right tone and the right timing and thing to say.  What I am finding is that there are no universal parenting tricks or techniques that will "work" to control behavior in every situation with every child.

What I am finding is that when I focus on understanding the reasons behind my son's behavior, my empathy for him increases.  With more empathy I am more loving and less punitive as I try to teach him how his actions affect others.  The less punitive I am, the more grateful and cooperative he is.  Empathy promotes peace.

I am grateful for the idea of this website that keeps me in pursuit of the truth about parenting.  I am glad you are in pursuit of the truth, too!

Love,
Alison

It was after the tenth time my son asked me to come help him make popcorn, he calmly said, "Mom, if you not come here, I not go to school ever again.  Or church." 

He looked at me to see my reaction.  I wanted to laugh out loud!  But I had to take him and his request seriously.  He is using techniques I have used on him!  I thought about what to say and then said, "Honey, that is not going to work.  If you ask nicely like you already have been doing, it might help."   He asked nicely one more time and I then I got up and helped him to prove my point.

It is amazing how much we teach by our example without even realizing it! 

Love,
Alison

I am sick in the pit of my stomach.  See his new bike?  See how cool it is with a handle that revs like a motocycle?  See how cool he is on it?

 The little guy finally decided it was time to take the training wheels off his old bike and learn to ride so he could get a new bike!  He did it!  It was so special that Dad took us to get the very bike he wanted!  On the very same day he started riding solo!

That was yesterday.  Today he rode his new bike all around.  It was awesome!  Until he crashed.  And it wasn't just a little crash.  He was riding in a seemingly perfectly safe, large, empty church parking lot when all of a sudden he rode over a curb across a sidewalk and crashed down a sloping, 12-foot rock wall.  Miraculously he only had a scratch!  But the trauma of a near possibly-fatal catastrophy has left us with an incredibly sick feeling.  Not to mention his cool new bike is broken!  The handle that revs is broken off.  We are so sad.  We were so excited to show his new bike and new skills to his best friend. 

I am so sad to see his little hopes dashed.  His special new bike is broken.  He felt the worst about that.  I am so grateful he wasn't hurt.  It makes me sick to think of how bad it could have been.  I thanked God over and over that he is ok. 


I didn't scold him.  I didn't lecture him.  I didn't ask what he was thinking or how in the world could he ride straight for the edge like that.  I believe in the school of hard knocks.  Unfortunately, the crash will teach him to slow down and be careful. He didn't try to crash.  He didn't want to crash.  He just did.  It happens to the best bike riders in the world.  I didn't want to damage what little riding confidence he has.

Hopefully, I taught him how to remain calm in accident.  Initially,we assessed the damage to his body as we sat there and hugged.  We looked at the site and tried to remember what happened and how it happened.  It was such a blur!  We said how scary it was.  We said how sad it is.  We said how lucky we are.  We talked about it over and over throughout the rest of the night, saying we can't believe it, until the shock of the close call started to wear off.   We played more gently and we stayed with him a little longer at bedtime.  We empathized with his feelings but also didn't blow it out of proportion.  It was a bad crash, but he handled it really well.

Dad said he would buy a new bike tonight.  Awww!  When asked when he might ride again, the litttle guy said, "Never."  We sometimes chuckle at the simplicity of this 6 year old's experience, but also I am physically ill from going through this rough experience with him.  But I wouldn't have it any other way.  I hope I can always be there during his tough times.  Everyone has them.  It's how we grow.

Love,
Alison

Gottman Institute Facebook post:Emotion coaching parents empathize with their child's negative emotions even if there is negative behavior & they communicate family values while setting limits.

A review:  The five steps Emotion Coaching Parents commonly use to build empathy into relationships with their children:

1.  Being aware of the child's emotion- It is hard to ignore his feelings when he starts screaming!  Ok, now I will listen to you!
2.  Recognizing the emotion as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching- when his emotions are overwhelming him, he needs my presence to help him calm down.  It really is a chance for us to bond, especially if I can try to understand how he is feeling.  When he knows I understand him, he feels closer to me.
3.  Listening empathetically and validating the child's feelings- I wanted to say, "Stop crying! You are at Disneyland!  Be grateful!!  Do you want to leave now?!"  Instead I said, "You didn't want me to take more pictures of you.  I took one more picture.  You don't like it when I take pictures of you."
4.  Helping the child verbally label emotions-  "You seem very mad and sad that I didn't listen to you."
5. Setting limits while helping the child problem-solve- "It's ok to be mad, but it is not ok to ____fill in the blank_____shout at me."  "We don't shout at each other in this family."  "What can we do to make this better?"  "I will feel better if...."   "Would you feel better if next time..."

Yes, it was crazy to me that taking one too many pictures on the Small World boat at Disneyland caused this meltdown.  But I had to look at the reasons behind it.  He was hungry, tired and overstimulated.  I never did understand why he would freak out over picture taking!  But it was important to him, so I have to respect that.  Fine!  When he says no more pictures, I won't snap just one more.   Empathy promotes peace. 

Love,
Alison

Facebook post on the Gottman Institute page:  Emotion coaching parents empathize with their child's negative emotions even if there is negative behavior & they communicate family values while setting limits.

When my son is in a bad mood, I feel like a bad Mom.  I know I am not, so my instinct is to get mad at him.  I start to tell him that he has no reason to be upset.  I start recounting all the things I have done for him and threaten to stop doing nice things for him unless he will be happy.  His bad mood does not get better until he explodes and then crumbles in a crying heap.  We both feel rotten and cry.


Now I know better!!!!!    Slowly I am changing.  It is tough, but slowly I am seeing results.


Instead of focusing on how he is making me miserable, I focus on him.  Why is he upset?  What does he need?  How can I help?   Sometimes all I can do is validate his mood and say,  "You look upset.  I'm sorry, Honey.  It's no fun to be upset."  When he feels my love even though he is upset, he is grateful.  He comes in for a hug a lot quicker than when I am upset with him.  And luckily for me, he still likes a hug!  I hope he always will!


Love,
Alison

The books I have listed as my favorite have a common theme. Empathy.  They claim that there are reasons behind children's behavior.  They refute the explanations that I used to believe that children are just trying to "push our buttons" or trying to "get on our nerves" to watch us squirm and make things difficult for us.   

These books help me to be a detective to find out why my son behaves in the puzzling way he does.  Understanding the reasons behind the behavior helps me to address the underlying reasons for the behavior rather than just punish the behavior.

When I punish him, my son does NOT feel my love for him.  When I punish him, my son gets angry and withdraws or he becomes claustrophobically clingy and annoyingly over-emotional. 

When I try to understand his feelings and acknowledge his desires, he feels my love for him.  When he knows I am trying to understand him and I am not disappointed in him, he is quicker to turn to me for help and comfort.  We arrive at apologies and forgiveness and solutions much quicker when we talk than when I punish him.   Empathy promotes peace. This is my new way of parenting.

P.S.  My husband agrees with my parenting theories and likes that I do the parental studying and often defers to me on the matter.  If we disagree on a situational level, we talk it out and ultimately we trust each other's view and try to meet in the middle. 

I'm not proud that my son's favorite breakfast is chocolate milk and angel hair spaghetti noodles plain in water.  And I didn't really want to put his breakfast into bowls on the floor so he could eat it like a dog this morning.  But I thought, "Oh well, maybe it will help his imagination."   As I set the bowls down for him, like he asked me to, I was surprised at his gratitude, "Thank you, Mom!!!  You the best Mom ever in the whole wide world!"  He signed 'I love you' with his hands. 
And he gave me look like this one:

It was such a little thing he wanted, I guess being able to eat like a dog meant a lot to him.  Or maybe he liked having his odd request granted.  Anyway, we had a terrific day visiting museums and an aquarium!

But when he said I was taking way too many pictures of him, I got this look:

I understood.  Sorry Honey, I did take a lot of pictures of you and our fun day!  Wasn't it so fun?  Oh yah!

Hope you all had a great day, too!

Love,
Alison