I want to point out after my last post called 'Boys fight'  that I do not want promote or endorse retaliation as a technique for settling disputes. (Techniques don't work because every child is so different and every situation is so different.)  RetaIiation is bad, but justice is good.  I believe there is a higher law than 'an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.'   I believe in forgiveness and having peace in knowing that some kind of afterlife justice will take place and or that some kind of karma will take place in this life.

    That said, in my son's particular case with this particular friend: when they are playing, the friend pushes my son's buttons to the point of my son having breakdowns.  When this happens, the friend will offer my son a chance to do the same thing to him that he did to my son, a form of retaliation to make it even.  This is how they often settle a dispute on their own.  They try to make it fair.  If my son is too upset to want to play anymore, this friend will start to injure himself in a goofy way, like bonking himself in the head.  It's like the friend is retaliating on himself.   It makes my son laugh and they are best buddies again.

   My point in my post 'Boys Fight' was to show you that after only ten minutes of Emotion Coaching, an extremely angry little boy was happy and playing with his buddy for six more continuous problem-free hours!  Incredible!   Every trace of jealousy and anger was swept away through the five steps of emotion coaching.  Not through any specific techniques, (because I have plenty of faulty techniques!) it was emotion coaching that turned the situation around. 

Have a great day!

Love,
Alison

Here is the fighting story:

My son and his friend were sumo wrestling.  I stopped the kicking and the hitting, but I didn't stop their boisterous play-fighting soon enough.  My son went aggro on his friend!  Growling and screaming he kept lunging at his friend with windmill punches and the intent to do harm.  I tried in vain to get him to stop and calm down.  As I was restraining my son, explaining the need to stop hitting, I got hit, not hard, but it was with intent.  My son looked at me like, "I am mad and I don't care!" 

My whole intent was to get my son to calm down, so I couldn't get mad then.  Pouring water on his wrestling head helped a little to get them to laugh, but he was still out of control.  I did resort to saying something quietly in his ear like, "If you don't stop, you won't be able to play your DS for the rest of the day."  That threat got my son to sit down on the couch, but he was still seething and glaring at his friend.  I said to the friend, "Come on, I am taking you home."   We walked out the door and sat on the porch.  I couldn't leave my six year old home alone even for ten minutes and I couldn't have them in sight of each other until my son calmed down.  So I explained that we would wait there until my son calmed down.  We could hear him screaming, "I HATE ______!!" (friend's name)

After about five minutes, I went in and sat across from my son.  Everytime his friend peeked at us, my son screamed at him.  I said to my son, "It seems like he did something to you to make you angry because you are really mad."  My son was too mad to answer. 

I asked, "Do you want me to take him home?" Amazingly my son shook his head, no. 

I said, "It seems like you feel the need to do something to get even with him."  My son nodded and huffed with crossed arms, "Mmm Hmm!" 

I said, "What could you do to him to get even with him?"  My son liked the idea of retaliation and sweetly said said, "Kill him?"  I tried not to laugh, "That is a little extreme.  We have to think of something else." 

I called out to the friend and asked if my son could do something to him to get even.  They both agreed that squirting him with a water gun would suffice.  My son was instantly relieved and excited to squirt his friend.  I said, "We need to be sure that you are not angry anymore and you won't hurt him."  My son put on his happiest face to prove that he was no longer angry.  He gladly hugged his friend.  It was an amazing turn-around!  In our preparations to go swimming, we even forgot to carry out the retaliation.         

      

That evening, we talked about why my son got so angry.  He said his friend wins everything.  It is true that his friend is stronger, faster, better at aiming and at throwing.  We pointed out how his friend plays sports and listens to his coach.  My son doesn't want to take lessons in anything or play organized sports.  We pointed out how my son is better at swimming and that made him feel better.  

I forgot to have the discussion about my son hitting me.  I am not worried about it because it has been well over a year since he has gotten that angry and tried to hit anyone.  Actually, ever since I have been practising emotion coaching, his occaisional anger has stopped escalating to that point.  With emotion coaching, he apologizes quickly for anything that I don't like.  He wants to keep our relationship loving and happpy.            

Ok, I just had the hitting discussion.  I asked my son if he remembered what happened when he got so angry.  Like I thought he would, he immediately looked down and said, "Sorry, Mom."  I told him that we are actually glad that he can sometimes get mad like that because sometimes there are bullies out there that try to hurt people and we want our son to be able to protect himself.  His friend is not that kind of bully and I am not that kind of bully.  I have never hit my son and I never will. 

We hugged.  Once again, an emotional outburst has proven to be an oppurtunity for intimacy and teaching! 

Love,
Alison

  The proven positive results I get from emotion coaching have helped me to stop focusing on how I should punish "unacceptable" behavior.

It is soooo difficult to combat the prevailing behaviorist mentality that if you show love, you are rewarding bad behavior and the bad behavior will be reinforced.

The truth is, punishing ONLY treats the behavior and provides a very strong incentive to move away from the punisher and learn how to not get caught the next time.

Emotion coaching treats the underlying reasons for behavior and preserves dignity while it teaches better ways of coping with overwhelming emotions. Emotion coaching provides a strong incentive to move closer to the validating, understanding, emotion coaching person and learn how to get along better.

Emotion coaching=fewer battles. Thank you, John Gottman!!!!!!

Thank you for stopping by! 
Love,
Alison

Gottman Institute Facebook post:Emotion coaching parents empathize with their child's negative emotions even if there is negative behavior & they communicate family values while setting limits.

A review:  The five steps Emotion Coaching Parents commonly use to build empathy into relationships with their children:

1.  Being aware of the child's emotion- It is hard to ignore his feelings when he starts screaming!  Ok, now I will listen to you!
2.  Recognizing the emotion as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching- when his emotions are overwhelming him, he needs my presence to help him calm down.  It really is a chance for us to bond, especially if I can try to understand how he is feeling.  When he knows I understand him, he feels closer to me.
3.  Listening empathetically and validating the child's feelings- I wanted to say, "Stop crying! You are at Disneyland!  Be grateful!!  Do you want to leave now?!"  Instead I said, "You didn't want me to take more pictures of you.  I took one more picture.  You don't like it when I take pictures of you."
4.  Helping the child verbally label emotions-  "You seem very mad and sad that I didn't listen to you."
5. Setting limits while helping the child problem-solve- "It's ok to be mad, but it is not ok to ____fill in the blank_____shout at me."  "We don't shout at each other in this family."  "What can we do to make this better?"  "I will feel better if...."   "Would you feel better if next time..."

Yes, it was crazy to me that taking one too many pictures on the Small World boat at Disneyland caused this meltdown.  But I had to look at the reasons behind it.  He was hungry, tired and overstimulated.  I never did understand why he would freak out over picture taking!  But it was important to him, so I have to respect that.  Fine!  When he says no more pictures, I won't snap just one more.   Empathy promotes peace. 

Love,
Alison

Facebook post on the Gottman Institute page:  Emotion coaching parents empathize with their child's negative emotions even if there is negative behavior & they communicate family values while setting limits.

When my son is in a bad mood, I feel like a bad Mom.  I know I am not, so my instinct is to get mad at him.  I start to tell him that he has no reason to be upset.  I start recounting all the things I have done for him and threaten to stop doing nice things for him unless he will be happy.  His bad mood does not get better until he explodes and then crumbles in a crying heap.  We both feel rotten and cry.


Now I know better!!!!!    Slowly I am changing.  It is tough, but slowly I am seeing results.


Instead of focusing on how he is making me miserable, I focus on him.  Why is he upset?  What does he need?  How can I help?   Sometimes all I can do is validate his mood and say,  "You look upset.  I'm sorry, Honey.  It's no fun to be upset."  When he feels my love even though he is upset, he is grateful.  He comes in for a hug a lot quicker than when I am upset with him.  And luckily for me, he still likes a hug!  I hope he always will!


Love,
Alison

The books I have listed as my favorite have a common theme. Empathy.  They claim that there are reasons behind children's behavior.  They refute the explanations that I used to believe that children are just trying to "push our buttons" or trying to "get on our nerves" to watch us squirm and make things difficult for us.   

These books help me to be a detective to find out why my son behaves in the puzzling way he does.  Understanding the reasons behind the behavior helps me to address the underlying reasons for the behavior rather than just punish the behavior.

When I punish him, my son does NOT feel my love for him.  When I punish him, my son gets angry and withdraws or he becomes claustrophobically clingy and annoyingly over-emotional. 

When I try to understand his feelings and acknowledge his desires, he feels my love for him.  When he knows I am trying to understand him and I am not disappointed in him, he is quicker to turn to me for help and comfort.  We arrive at apologies and forgiveness and solutions much quicker when we talk than when I punish him.   Empathy promotes peace. This is my new way of parenting.

P.S.  My husband agrees with my parenting theories and likes that I do the parental studying and often defers to me on the matter.  If we disagree on a situational level, we talk it out and ultimately we trust each other's view and try to meet in the middle.