This morning I listened to a theory of author Alfie Kohn's, which prepared me for a real-life scenario and teaching experience. The theory: maybe kids are not testing their "limits" of the rules as much as they are testing our unconditional love for them. Kids feel the most secure when they know that they will be loved no matter what they do, right or wrong. Doesn't everyone feel more secure in any relationship when they know they will be loved even if they make a mistake?
The scenario: We were having so much fun! Popcorn and drinks in a 3-D dinosaur movie! Great times! When digging for dinosaur bones in sand,
I have no idea why his mood changed. Maybe because the other kids left. Maybe because I wouldn't play in the sand with him. Maybe because I stood by the door to get fresh air. I don't know! For some reason, my son said as a matter-of fact, "Mom, I not love you." I said, "Oh honey, why don't you feel love for me right now?" No answer. "Why don't you have love for me now?" He answered sadly as if it was a punishment to me, "I not have a Mom." Trying to think of the five steps of emotion coaching but only remembering to validate, I said, "That must not feel very good. It would be very sad to feel that way. Well, I love being your Mom and I'll just be over here." He buried his nose on the sand. I said in a silly voice, "I knew you liked the sand, but I didn't know you liked it THAT much!" We laughed. He buried his nose again and we laughed. The next time he buried his nose, sand got in his eyes. He cried and wanted me to help him. Remembering how demeaning a lecture can be, I merely said, "Oh no, sand in the eyes hurts! Ow! Just keep them closed and the tears will wash the sand out. Let's go to the bathroom and wash the rest"
In the bathroom, I said, "Honey, even if you didn't love me, I still love you. I will love you no matter what you do. Although, I am happier when you love me. And we have more fun when you love me..." He threw his arms around me victoriously and said, "I love you, Mom! And you are my Mom!" He seemed thrilled that I would love him no matter what. We had a terific time after that. It was a little victory for us!
Thank you for visiting this site!! Happy parenting!!
Love,
Alison
In the bathroom, I said, "Honey, even if you didn't love me, I still love you. I will love you no matter what you do. Although, I am happier when you love me. And we have more fun when you love me..." He threw his arms around me victoriously and said, "I love you, Mom! And you are my Mom!" He seemed thrilled that I would love him no matter what. We had a terific time after that. It was a little victory for us!
Thank you for visiting this site!! Happy parenting!!
Love,
Alison
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