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Control

3/23/2011

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I cannot control this little boy.  He is going to do what he wants to do, and he proves his intensity to me in many ways...crying, kicking, screaming. 

 Most parents have experienced what I am talking about...   But I am not afraid! Why? 

Because I am learning to use some tools to my advantage. 

Tool #1- Kids don't want to disappoint their parents.  He needs me.  I am crucial to his survival and lifelong happiness.  It's biological.  (To test this theory, think of anyone you know who missed out on feeling love from either a father or mother.  Don't they destroy themselves even as grown-ups in bad relationships trying to replace that love or with substances trying to numb the pain of not having that love?) 
 
Missing out on parental love can be a lifelong tragedy.  He desperately wants and needs me and his Dad to be happy with him and admire him.  And that is possibly his chief motivator, besides his primal needs like food, water and candy.  I'm kidding about the candy, ha ha.


Parents can mishandle this tool and destroy it.  Parents can destroy a child's desire to please their parents.  See: Ten Reasons Why Parenting Tool #1 Fails on the post from 11/26/10.  (I don't know how to link it yet.)

To use this tool most effectively, I try to not use it.  What?!  This is how: I do my best to be happy with my son just the way he is, today. 
Wouldn't we all like to be appreciated and truly loved just for who we are, right now, today?  What a comforting feeling!  I wish we all could feel this all the time...sigh....

Back to reality:  My son disappoints me sometimes.  I have to use Tool #1.
I maximize this big and heavy tool by showing my disappointment only for the most serious infractions.  If I used it every second, it would lose its effect. When I have to use the tool, I stick to a process that seems to work. 

The Process: So in measured doses, I am disappointed.  His loses my approval in varying degrees depending on his misbehavior and whether or not I have had enough caffiene.  (Sorry, son, I am not perfect.)  Sometimes the situation escalates out of control.  To de-escalate, I firmly state my position and go on with my own business, like checking my emails, until he is ready to work with me and stop shouting that he hates me.  As soon as he seems ready to apologize and win back my approval, I sit close and calmly offer hope that he can repair any damages including my feelings or holes in the wall.  If he doesn't already know, I teach him what he can do to "make it better."  That's what I ask him, "What can you do to make it better?"  When he has accomplished what he needs to do to repair things as good as a six year old can, I completely forgive him and lavish him with praise for making it better.  We hug and it's all better! 

And then, I let it go!!!!! This is extremely important!  If I didn't let it go, he would lose hope of ever completely pleasing me.  He would lose hope that he could make things better. But he can control the situation himself to make it better.  I prove it to him by forgiving him completely and not holding grudges against him for the messes he makes.  Yay! I won't be disappointed anymore!  Until the next time he refuses to pick up the popcorn he threw in the air to make snow.


So....with this tool, I don't have to "control" him.  I can't.  This tool controls him. He controls himself.  I am teaching him how to control situations with his behavior to make other people happy with him.  If I am careful and judicious, he will always want to please me.   And of course I LOVE to please him with amusements, games, presents and good food!  I am teaching him it goes both ways.  To have fun, we both have to be happy.  We are learning and trying to make each other happy.  It's a team effort.

This way of thinking has helped me to decrease our struggles and decrease the time it takes to resolve our struggles!!!  I hope it helps you!

Love,


Alison

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Why Parenting Tool Number One Fails

11/26/2010

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Parenting Tool Number One Is that Kids Don't Want To Disappoint Their Parents.  
10 Reasons why kids fail to please their parents:

Some kids fail to please their parents because we have not effectively and lovingly taught them how to please us.

Some parents have expectations that are too high for themselves and or for their kids.

Some parents are so frequently disappointed that the kid gives up trying to please the parent.

Some parents call their child "stubborn," "a little devil" "hell on wheels" and a multitude of other defeating labels that children try to live up to. 

Some parents praise kids with insincerity and a hidden agenda.  Older kids see through it and want to avoid whatever it is the parent is getting at.

Some parents do not treat kids with respect and do not live worthy of respect.

Some parents ignore the true needs of the child by overindulging the child in any of the vast ways to indulge: money, clothes, extra-curricular activities, food, problem-solving, etc.  Kids try to stop it or try to keep the indulgance going in all kinds of destructive ways.

Some parents do not invest enough of themselves into the parent-child relationship; either their head or their heart is not really into parenting.

Some parents don't know how to teach their children in loving ways. 

That's only nine reasons, ha ha.  The tenth reason will come to me later, lol.

The purpose of this blog is to teach parents how to encourage the childhood behavior they like to see in loving, kind AND EFFECTIVE ways.   Is it possible to be loving, kind  AND effective?   YES!!!!!!   I keep trying and little by little I can see the firm and loving ways working!!!!!!  I am buiding a lifetime relationship with my son, not just trying to control today's behavior in any method that works.
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Parenting Tool Number One

11/26/2010

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Parenting Tool Number One is: Kids Don't Want To Disappoint Their Parents
 People who are missing either Maternal acceptance or Paternal acceptance have a hole inside of them that can never be replaced.  It seems almost biological.  They can only cope and try to move on past their inner grief.  People missing out on either motherly or fatherly love go searching for it their whole lives sometimes, and in all kinds of destructive ways.  It is a devastating kind of thing.
As parents, we need to realize our importance in our child's life!  We can work with this childhood need for parental approval.  No matter what age our kids are, we can still appeal to this need in a positive way.  I repeat, in a postive way!  It is crucial we use this tool in a positive way or the results will backfire and the relationship will crumble!
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How I learned Parenting Tool #1

11/26/2010

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I read Nuture Shock by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman.  The chapter on lying and the chapter on teenage rebellion had similar conclusions about the main motivation for kid's deceptive behavior.  I want to explore those fascinating chapters in depth later.   For now, I will briefly explain the similar conclusions.
In many different scientific studies, the data shows that virtually all kids lie!  That is the first thing to understand:  all kids lie, even the very young and even the straight-A obedient eighteen year olds.  The more intelligent they are, the better they are at lying and avoiding the truth without outright lying.  The more kids are punished for lying, the better they get at lying and deceiving.  We can explore how to deal with lying in another segment.

The compelling research further shows that the main reason kids lie is this:  kids want to please their parents!  The teenager's most common reason for hiding their behavior was, "I'm trying to protect the relationship with my parents.  I don't want them to be disappointed in me."    I repeat the most common teenage reason was,  "I don't want them to be diappointed in me."      I will let that sink in.  To me, it is profound.  It is Parenting Tool # 1.

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    ( June 1997 I became an RN) Graduation ceremony in Aug 2012 when I completed my bachelor degree in general studies with an emphasis in psychology

    About me:

    I am a lucky wife,
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    sahm mom, 
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