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Calm Down!

10/3/2012

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Somewhere recently, I read about a study where they found that telling someone to 'calm down'  does not help them to calm down.

What helps them to calm down is to be calm yourself.  Speak in a gentle tone.  Use soothing words.  Find positives even if the world seems to be crashing down.

Did you know that is what paramedics do in an emergency? 

When they are rescuing a bloody, immobile, rock climbing victim who has just fallen 30 feet, they talk calmly.  Most of the time they encourage the patient to talk about their hobbies and even laugh sometimes during the rescue!  I am amazed at their skill!  Accident victims are so appreciative of the calmness of the paramedics in a crisis. 

Trying to calm children down in the middle of a crisis is like trying to rescue them from out-of-control emotions.  We can be like the calm paramedics trying to make the best of a bad situation. 
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When the crisis is over, my son is always grateful and more loving when I have managed to remain calm. 


For example:  (not really a crisis) 
On Monday night we decided to play miniature golf.  Our son was so excited to see the Halloween decorations they put up every year.  When we got there, it was way too crowded for my husband and I to enjoy playing.  We made three different offers instead of playing: let's go get a shake, go get a toy, or play in the ball cage and rock climb.

Our son gladly chose the third option.  We stayed until it was bedtime.  My son was hungry and thought that we could get a shake on the way home.  I said it was too late but I would make him a home shake.  He hung his head in sadness all the way home. 

The 'old me' would have taken his sadness personally.  I would not be tolerant of his mood.  I would have said, "How can you be upset?  We just took you to rock climb and play in the ball cage and on the trampoline.  Maybe we won't take you next time if you are going to be upset about it."   But I didn't say that.

We acknowledged his sadness.  We didn't lecture or judge his moodiness.  Everyone has moods sometimes, I know I do.  I don't like to have to justify every mood I have.  Why make him?  We didn't try to distract him out of it.  We didn't try to fix it.  Who knows why he was this moody?  I think he was tired and hungry.  My husband and I talked about the car we might buy.

When we got home, I helped my son out of the car.  He was acting too sad to move, hanging his head and not answering me.  As I gently guided him out of the car, he put his head on my shoulder and was limp as if he was asleep.  I said to Dad, "Look at him."  My son giggled.  I said 'look at him' again.  He giggled again.  I was happy, because I half expected my son to wig out and get mad that he didn't get what he wanted and had to go to bed.

My son said he would have made a different choice if he knew he could only do one of them.  Sorry, honey.  It got too late. 

We were able to quickly have a little homemade shake and get to bed. 

My husband and I were happy that his little mood only lasted about 15 minutes and we averted what could have been an ugly scene.  Instead we were hugging and giggling.  Emotion Coaching.  It works!!!

P.S.  So what would I have done if I had five kids and couldn't cater to one of them?  Same thing.  (Except for physically helping my seven year old out of the car.)  Acknowledge the emotion.  Express empathy.  Avoid lecturing, or judging the mood.  State expectations.  "I know you are upset, but I need you to get out of the car, come in the house and get ready for bed."      I know, easier said than done.  I admire you moms with many kids!  I wish I was you!  Keep up your great work!
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Soothe yourself, then comfort them

3/31/2011

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I subscribed to a newsletter called Parenting Journey at www.arfamilies.org
I Love it!!  They quote my favorite book!

""Parents have a tremendous opportunity to influence their kids' emotional intelligence by helping them learn self-soothing behaviors from infancy on." (John Gottman, professor of psychology, in his book, Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child. p. 41)

When your child is upset or afraid, first soothe yourself. Take a deep breath. Think about their challenges. Then comfort them. Instead of lecturing them, let them know that they are heard and that their feelings matter. When children know their needs will be met when they are appropriately expressed, children will learn to handle small upsets in life on their own."

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When I acknowledge his negative feelings without judging them, he is grateful and he cuddles up to me for support. Then my heart melts and I am so glad I did not get angry!
Love,
Alison
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Bedtime Basic Notion

11/20/2010

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Just as we have to teach our children how to deal with sometimes wild emotions, we have to teach our children how to calm down to be able to sleep.  Most children don't instinctively know how to deal with their emotions or how to get to sleep on their own.  We need to help them!

  We cannot expect them to transtion from the hectic, achievement-oriented, frenetic pace of modern life to a restful, sleeping state just because we yell at them to go to sleep.  It doesn't work that way.  Trust me, I know!  We have to show empathy and provide a restful, calm experience for them at bedtime so they can leave the stressful events of the day behind and calm down so they can fall asleep.  We need to work with our children to  learn what it takes for them to calm down enough.   Some kids needs hours of care and preparation at first, sorry!   The more we teach them calming methods at bedtime through routine and repitition, the less they will rely on us to get them to a restful sleeping state.  It is possible!!!

Sweet dreams!!  More to come later!!    My favorite book full of tips:  Sleepless in America by Mary Sheedy Kurchinka
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Introduction to Emotion Coaching

11/13/2010

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Taken from the Preface of the book, Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child:  Even the most warm, loving and caring parents often have attitudes about emotions that get in the way of being able to talk to children effectively when the child is sad, afraid or angry.   Love is not enough, by itself.  Channeling that love into some basic skills that parents practise as if they are coaching their child in the arena of emotion was enough.

John Gottman and his research team have studied parents and children in very detailed laboratory studies and followed the children as they developed.  After a decade of research, the team encountered a group of parents who did five very simple things with their children when the children were emotional.  They call those five things "Emotion Coaching."  They found that the children who had Emotion Coaching parents were on an entirely different developmental trajectory than the children of other parents.

The Emotion- Coaching parents had children who simply had more general abilities in the area of their own emotions than children who were not coached by their parents.  These abilities included being able to regulate their own emotional states.  The children were better at soothing themselves when they were upset.  They could calm down their hearts faster.  Because of the superior performance in that part of their physiology that is involved in calming themselves, they had fewer infectious illnesses.  They were better at focusing attention.  They related better to other people, even in the tough social situations they encountered in middle childhood like getting teased, (where being overly emotional is a liability not an asset.)   They were better at understanding people.  They had better friendships with other children.  They were better at situations in school that required academic performance. 


In short, they had developed a kind of "IQ" that is about people and the world of feelings, or emtional intelligence.  The book, Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child will teach you the five steps of Emotion Coaching so that you can raise an emotionally intelligent child. 

I hope to help parents learn the principles of Emotion Coaching since they have completely changed my family relationships for the better!  We are more tolerant of our moods and can work through all of our negative emotions easier with less frustration and fewer power struggles.  I am a fan!!!!
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    ( June 1997 I became an RN) Graduation ceremony in Aug 2012 when I completed my bachelor degree in general studies with an emphasis in psychology

    About me:

    I am a lucky wife,
    blessed to be a 

    sahm mom, 
    a good friend to a few, 
    a not-employed-by-our-choice RN

    I love natural healing,
    peaceful parenting, pure beauty in life,
    and simplicity through minimalism

    I blog randomly on random topics.
    I blog to remember my family just the way we are today.
    I blog to speak my mind.  

    I am not trying to impress you; whatever I do is just average anyway.  That's ok, I am happy with being average.  You might be average like me.

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    I won't apologize for my opinions.  
    I would love to hear your friendly opinions.  

    Questions?  I love to discuss anything.

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